Captain's Log

My Post Graduate Experience from College

2012-01-28T14:01:00.002-05:00

I am not real sure why I havethis fear of failure but I have been trying to repress this feeling and it always rears it ugly head when I getinto situations that may trigger it such as what happened with my last jobsituation in 2011 beginning on Halloween Day

I am a recent graduate from aonline college. I just earned my Master’s in Exercise Science and HealthPromotion from California University. It was a intense year-long Master’s program with aPost-graduate NASM certification Afterwards I got some tips that several places were hiring ,and I tookthe first job opportunity where for all intensive purposes was the perfect jobin reference to location and the type of job I was applying for.

I went through two interviews(one was via the phone and the other was in person) . As far as I knowboth of the interviews went fine.Subsequently I was set to role play an intake session with one of the trainersat the facility and it went ok , he indicated what I am lacking in and it wasduly noted. I needed to brush up my marketing and sales strategy skills .

Ok so I was told that I will be contacted bythe owners to set up a time to shadow a trainer so that I can find my “niche”therefore i will be matched with potential clients based on my marketing and salesskills. The first week passed with no notification from them , I then proceededto contact them via email and phone and got no reply from them. The second weekI proceeded to do the same thing and still no response. So I just figured I was written off becausefor some” unknown reason “ I was not the perfect fit for their company. Maybe I was overqualified since Ijust earned my second Master’s,(my other was a Master of Science in Information Technology)

This was a wake up call andlesson for me since it has been several years since I worked and I know therehas been changes in the world of the employed. Some changes are good as well asbad. - The message I get from this is timing is everything and you must keepyour expectations high in spite on what may happen in the process of lookingand securing a job. It could of been my worst case scenario but I doubt that. Iwas quite bitter ,embarrassed and confused for a long time but I am still actively looking and I am surethat great job will come as long as I am vigilant in my search.

Thanks for reading

Unitl next time

Kirk Fontaine

The unemployed but contentPersonal Trainer :)

New Year Thoughts

2010-01-15T11:43:00.000-05:00

Hello all I have been waiting until more events materialize before I start blogging for the new year. My hope was to be preparing for my transition from one college degree to enrolling in another one to complete another degree. It is not happening unfortunately at least not until July when the summer term start at CAL U I have earned my Master's from Capella University in Information Technology as of December 12, 2009, and was getting ready for my start in another Master's Program in an online college called CAL U to pursue a degree in Exercise Science, but unfortunately I missed the application deadline. Because I believe that everything happens for a reason I am concentrating on other areas that are important in my life. such as family issues which I may or may not go into unless it is of an informational nature to the community at large(that would include email, Facebook and twitter contacts ) My heath and fitness goals remain the same but with little fluctuations happening over a period of time. Consistency seems to be an issue with me but I am working on it .Self awareness of how my subconscious mind affects my consciousness in order to be more consistent with following my passion which ,was and still is bodybuilding and everything that entails. I enrolled in a new year fitness initiative sponsored by the infamous Cleveland Clinic to enable some health facilities to offer a 90 day free membership and found out that it is already overwhelmed with ton of interested parties. So i might have to wait a little longer than I expected, In the meantime I am exercising with my standard equipment me, myself and I LOL I do have dumbbells ,and an exercise wheel for my midsection as well I did find there are tons of videos on how to exercise with just simple bodyweight exercises inside the home. That is right up my alley NO EXCUSES at all for naught doing something and most of these exercises dont require any expensive equipment. Just time ,preservation,motivation and focus are all that are needed. Use that God given gift to accomplish whatever your passion maybe

Until next time KIrk

My New Year Plan

2009-12-16T16:07:00.002-05:00

My New Year Plan

Hello all,

My new year plan includes preparing for graduation proceedings which includes paying fees for graduation, getting the application process finalized for my transition from Capella University to CAL U which is the online college I am transferring to, in order, to pursue my passion. I am going for a Masters In Exercise Science with Post Certification options. My goal is to get certified in Personal Fitness Training. which I did earlier in my life back when I was competing as a bodybuilder. I am planning to get back on the bandwagon as soon as possible , I am doing abbreviated workouts in my apartment with an exercise wheel , and using dumbbells and doing intense sets of calisthenics(push ups,crunches, burpees,etc)

I am hoping I have an even better year coming although this one ended very well for me with my graduation from Capella .and boy does that feel great to have made another accomplishment in my life.

To review the year 2009 in a nutshell.:

March 27 -Diagnosed with Prostate Cancer

May 14Th -My Birthday

May 28 -involved in a car accident (no injuries very lucky)

July -started radiation therapy treatments for 45 weekdays until Sept 5,unofficially I am in remission. I will be seeing the oncologist on Jan 7 to review my blood test and the status of my condition.

December 11 -finished my Master’s Program in Information Technology

Things are going OK for me and I am confident that it will get better . I have also been thinking about how I am going to get certified in a tech field but I will ponder and research my options to make sure I make the right decision.

I will update you all as my situation changes

Have a safe and happy holiday

Until next time

Kirk

2009-12-11T08:42:00.005-05:00

Hello all,

I just graduated from college with a Master's Degree in Information Technology,I feel elated but worried to some extent since I am now thinking what my next step will be . I am thinking about enrolling in a online college name Cal U based in PA to get my Master's in Exercise Science, I want to follow my passion which is a personal fitness training and start up my business, then the other option is to get certified in a technical field such as web design since I would like to design my own website geared toward exercise, , health and fitness, etc. I am weighing my financial options and that is the other thing Employment, I am still unemployed and without skills for my Master's in Information Technology but I always will have my experience with teaching, educating and personal fitness training from my Bachelor's Degree in Health Education and Sports Medicine. So that is my quandary at the moment.

Well regarding my diet and exercise routine. There is none . I am still in that unstructured mode and those remain challenging issues for me- so is life. I am losing weight and my diet has improved tremendously which became a health concern according my last visit to the doctor. I am not perfect obviously and I have to accept those qualities that bother me and be ok with them and constantly improving on them.

My exercise routine involves my "daily" Burpees and working out with my weights at home -just dumbbells and my exercise wheel along with calisthenics , I am going back to the gym as soon as my financial situation gets better.

Well if you read my last blog on Google Wave. I am happy to say it is growing on me and I am getting used to navigating around this product. I also am happy to say I used this tool to write my final project paper on and received an "A" which surprised me.

I do notice that Google is constantly improving on making this tool function better with the feedback from the beta tester's and in turn they have been giving out more invites . It does create less frustration than when I started because it is not surprising to see that hideous black box on the top on my Wave client that says I need to tell what happened before the black box showed up and then you have to refresh Google Wave and that does not please me either. It is due to the long repopulating of the waves that have been created by the beta testers My wave client is called Wave board and its created by one of the testers It does not improve upon its functionality but it allows me to use it as a standalone app for the Wave instead of my browser.

I am now writing this blog on Chrome , the beta browser for Mac and it works great and it seems to be faster as advertised although I am not satisfied with the rendering on some graphic intensive pages as well as some with Flash which sometime freeze or crash the tab that the web page is loading in.

I have started a wave called The Health and Fitness Wave and I am still trying to figure out how to integrate my waves with my blog . There are extensions and gadgets that will allow one to integrate but they are not working very well. So i am going to wait until Google fixes those issues. In the meantime I am going to continue to play around with the features of Google Wave.

It remains the reason why I spend all my time on the computer when I not doing school work and I will keep you all updated on my journey through life and Google Wave and whatever that entails.

If anyone is interested in Google Wave invites I still have some to give out.

Contact me on Twitter @fitnewbie or email me at kftrainer@gmail.com if interested.

Until next time

Kirk

My Experience with Google Wave

2009-12-02T00:06:00.002-05:00

On Thursday November 10 I received my invite from Google to beta test their new collaboration tool called Google Wave. My first experience was one of excitement and jubilation , to be part of this beta testing group.I signed in and got started "waving" Oops I had no one to wave with.

So I started to explore and test out the many features that this new service boasts about . Before I got the invite , in preparation of receiving it. I did ton of research on Google Wave. which involved watching the hour and half video to get an idea on what it is supposed to do along with searching thru Google Alerts. a Google search tool that involves using selected words to get the best hits whether it is from the Web,or in the form of documents, news articles or blogs.

I am learning something new everyday regarding Google Wave . I have several waves that I alone use with out any participants. so they will be considered private in nature.
I am brainstorming on ideas on how to compile sections of my paper in individual waves and edit it to my satisfaction before I include in my final draft. I know I am taking a big chance in using this to compile and edit my paper.

And this will then explain why I am going on this risky journey through Google Wave..since it is the subject of my paper.

It changed from using wireless technology exclusively for a technology upgrade to testing out the new platform and/or protocol Google Wave to be implemented into a non profit organization called NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness). using the current technology

I have subscribed to many waves and adding more as I browse the public waves . Most of the waves I frequent or subscribe to focus on the technical side of Google Wave along with learning shortcuts which will help me to become more productive.

Thing I love about Google Wave

Live Typing , concurrent editing,
Ability to collaborate and share documents (have not tried that function fully due to the lack of contacts )
Color coded user-created Search filters (has enabled me to streamline and save my important searches )
Color coded user-created folder system
Wave categorization similar to Outlook(Windows) or Mail (Macintosh)

Thing I dislike about Google Wave

sluggishness and freezing (due tot the pre-beta status of this tool )
Slow loading in browser( Safari for Mac )and in a wave client for the Mac( Waveboard)
No options for switching off concurrent editing without wave author approval
No consistency in the online status of the wave contacts that have been added to the contact list by a participant
Limited invite only status , (starting to open the floodgates to pass out more invites) :)

This is a partial list that I thought of on the fly and I am sure that I will experience more issues as time goes on . I am sure that Google Wave Developers are hard at work on those bug issues and hopefully by the release date which will probably happen early next year . most of these issues will be resolved.

My overall opinion is it is a great idea that has the potential to become the most innovative tool that involves email, collaboration and IM in a mashup geared toward businesses that capitalizes on those forms of communication.

I will be reporting on any future experiences that may differ from the ones I listed above

If any one reads this I have 7 Google Wave invites to give out I cannot seem to give them away now,

Last month they were like gold now they are like a lump of coal. And yes it is a work in progress but Google would need feedback in order to make their product work better , so give a spin

You can contact me at kftrainer@gmail.com or contact me on twitter @fitnewbie

Until next time

Kirk

Back in School

2009-11-05T23:51:00.002-05:00

Hello all

I am sorry for the long delay in posting- I have been contemplating what I would like my readers to know about me. I know I only have a few but would like to get more. I crave for the feedback . I even posted a youtube video of myself to test out the software and it gave me the opportunity to analyze my presentation.

I did get some info regarding blog etiquette and found out that I am doing it wrong So I will try to keep updated at least on a weekly basis and stick to a single subject. Be consistent is one of my challenges and I am working on that

Here we go I am back in school and starting my 4th week. THis is my final class before graduation and I am excited as well as anxious about my future after school. I am planning to go back to get my Master's in Exercise Science at a online college named Cal U. I have petitioned for graduation from Capella U. and the ceremony will take place in Minneapolis MN where my it is based, so I have a lot to consider just in preparation for graduation.

On a lighter note ,I just received my invite from Google Wave and I am excited to learn more about it and how it will revolutionize communication and collaboration on the Internet. or in the "cloud"

So far I have played around with the basic functions and visited some waves as well as joined in on some of them

It is fascinating to watch someone type in real time as was stated in regards to the many features this new service has

I am sure it will just get better -there is tons of tutorials on how to navigate thru this application if that is the correct term for it. Stay Tuned to my experiences regarding The Wave .

From a health standpoint I am feeling better and I am still getting my workouts in but not as regular as I would like I am using a lot of the material I get from fitness tweeters that I follow in addition to watching you tube videos on health and fitness. from some of the same people that I follow on Twitter.

Diet is improving and I am feeling better due to cutting back on sodium laden foods. I am going to see my doctor for a checkup in December to determine if I still need a stricter diet and exercise modification or resort to prescribed medications for high blood pressure . I have been eating more fruits an vegetables and I have nuts either with my meals or between meals for a snack.

Still that work in progress

I am signing off for now

Until next time

Kirk

Wish listing

2009-09-22T21:20:00.003-04:00

I wondering why I titled this post wish listing-I think I am brainstorming what will go on my wish list. Lets see Peace and harmony would be up there in my fav 5 along with holistic health and wellness.

I went to a friends school where she is a physical education teacher. There was an open house for family and friends of the students and staff. So me and my friend were invited.-I had a great time but it was melancholy in nature since I was a teacher''s aide for many years, the last 5 years between 1997-2002 consisted of working with emotionally challenged kids , seeing the kids perform at this presentation at my friend's school was sorta emotional.

I dont think I will work with kids in this capacity ever again, since it is stressful but rewarding . I think I will work in an educational setting but maybe as a consultant in some health and fitness capacity. As some of you know if you have read my blog posts that I have one more class-Integrative Capstone that will deal with comprehensive content from my prior classes.

I have wonderful moral and emotional support from my family and friends which has helped me tremendously in addition to going to therapy on a regular basis . My next appointment is tomorrow and I will be going over some homework that was given to me to read so that I can use it in tomorrow's session . I will fill you all in on the results of that in the future if I think it is significant to mention.

My health and fitness wish list is to be working either online or in a personal training facility within the next 10 years . I do plan on going back to school to get my Master's in Exercise Science at another online college that I am doing research on at the moment. There is a long application process that I am not looking forward to ,but it is called progress right?

Still exercising on an inconsistent basis-I have not pinpointed what I need to do to make this work in my favor. Education wise I know that right recipe but need the passion to stoke that fire and keep it lit. I am willing to take suggestions ,comments or ideas. It is harder than most people can imagine. It is a personal and frustrating battle with myself LOL

It will work it self out when the time is right. I just have to be patient with myself-I make sure I focus and not let my friends and family influence my decision unless I allow it.

It is all about keeping my state of mind calm and intact. Some of you might think well just do it.

If the fuel is not there to stoke then how can there be a fire.

Enough of that!

I will continue to keep you updated on my weight loss. Last weigh in was 163 down from 172 and working out in my apartment helps keep me toned . Of course my cardiovascular and muscular endurance need improvement as well as my diet . It needs more protein intake and less fat-I need to buy a protein powder to supplement between meals so I dont have that void between major meals-keeping my blood sugar and nitrogen levels elevated will help with muscle growth and recovery after exercise sessions.

That is my update for this week

Until next time

Kirk

Last week of School /Thoughts of the Future

2009-09-15T17:17:00.002-04:00

Hello all

I am closing on my last week ending on Friday with this session of school until October where I start my last class called the Integrative Capstone Project for IT , and it will be comprehensive in nature . That is all I know at this point. I am sure this will be very challenging since it is based on the last 3-4 years of school. Not impossible but it will be hard.

Moving on, my weight is going down I am now 163 lb. down from 172 which is amazing give or take a few pounds based on the time of day and whether I was wearing clothes or not on the day I recorded the weight. Anyway I am glad and I do feel lighter since I gave up or cut down on those processed foods . I have been eating more fruit and vegetables and knowing I need to get back in the gym is wearing on me. I have been doing my "burpees" along with weight training with my dumbbells here in my apartment. if you have been reading my blogs you will know what those are. Read on it they are great for getting a intense whole body routine within a 10min period . I used my breaks from school and the computer to do my exercise routines .

I do them every other day so my body has time to recuperate . I have to remember that I am older now and my recuperation time has increased , so instead of 2 days I have to do maybe three , depending on what and how I do my exercises for that particular day.

My arms alway respond well to any exercise I do for the upper body so they always look ok just need to work on my cardio and muscular endurance, working on my abs and losing the weight helps fuel my motivation. Physical results from your workouts is always an ego booster for anyone losing , maintaining ,or gaining weight(lean muscle).

I am excited about graduating probably after the first of the year I will have my Master's in Information Technology, I am going straight into something I am very passionate about and that is Personal Fitness Training I am now in the process of researching a college that is offering a Masters in Exercise Science So I hope that pans out for me . It offers financial aid which is something that a lot of the personal training certification courses and programs do not. I did live and breath personal training years ago before some major challenges put a dent in that passion. I am healing thyself with self -reflection and knowing who I am as a human being in all that it comprises . It is fascinating, scary and enlightening to learn about yourself

I have had a mere 6 years to learn about myself and it makes you very humble thus you begin to appreciate those little things that you never had the time to analyze. Something to ponder on as I approach the half century mark. Whew I said it.

Well that is it from the Captain

Until next time

God bless

Kirk

September Update

2009-09-10T11:46:00.003-04:00

Hello all

I will try to keep up with this blog so I can update my readers on my life events, if any at all

Well lets see I am still working on finding out about my new OS upgrade and it's incompatibilities and recently found out about my Photo Booth app which is obviously not compatible with my current OS Snow Leopard and found no documentation of it being incompatible ,so that was big shock. I took a screen shot of the error message that popped up when I tried to open it.and I will post it took a forum to see if I get a workaround until the new iteration or update releases itself to the public which from my research might be released as early as next week. Snow Leopard 10.6.1 to all my Mac Geeks out there

On my health and fitness journey to lose ,build and maintain , I have lost 5 lb. within the last month which is reflected from my diet change. I have cut down on my processed foods such as pizzas and other ready made foods. I have my staple oatmeal with fat free milk , along with green tea. I have in the last month included walnuts and blueberries to my breakfast as well

So I am glad with that progress.

I have doing more intense 10 minute routines which involve the whole body , either done in a circuit fashion or supersetting opposing muscle groups such as biceps and triceps , I have been doing an exercise that was used by Mike Rowe , the host of "Dirty Jobs "on the Discovery Channel, If anyone is interested in the link I will find it and send it or post it on the next blog entry . They are called 'burpees " and involves doing pushups, squat thrusts and plyometrics . I am up to 2 sets . They are very intense whole body excursus used originally by some prison inmates . So that is my staple morning routine outlined above.

I am coming up on my last week starting on Monday , My last day is on the 18th so I will be busy catching up . This class is a challenging one so needless to say I will be glad when it is over.

Then I will check out my next and final class which will start in October or November and I will be finished.

Then I hopefully will be done with researching the college (California University) which I will taking the Exercise Science program starting in January 2010

I will be updating you on the progress on this event

Stay Tuned

Until next time

Kirk

New Discoveries

2009-09-02T21:28:00.004-04:00

I have had my new macbook pro laptop since February of this year-very happy with it since I converted from a Windows computer. What a great difference in my stress level and I will not go in to details in lieu of the fact there are many window users out there and I am not a basher-this is from personal experience.

So on Friday of last week I upgraded my OS with the new version of Snow Leopard as it is called . Such a cool name for an OS version . I am having some irritation from some of my third party applications not being compatible with the new upgrade and some bugginess with some of the Apple apps but I do know they are working on getting fixes for those reported bugs and they will likely come out with the next update 10.6.1 soon ,so I am not so concerned. Even with the bugginess it is not as bad as it used to be.

Moving on.... I have found a way to get certified in Personal Training online within an educational institution that takes financial aid since I am not working at the moment. I am researching it more as we speak. I did receive a email from the institution and they summarized the application , financial aid and orientation process to get into the classes which start in January 2010 which works out fine for me since I am graduating this December from Capella University with a Master's in Information Technology-So that is my plan of action.

I have been trying to find an institution online that has just those qualifications.

Now the accreditation is another thing I am wondering about before I dive in. So I am going to post the name on Twitter and Facebook to see if I get any feedback about this college in terms of validity and how they do in career development and job placement in whatever concentration I decide to pursue. More than likely I am going to start in basics with wellness and fitness to refresh my knowledge and learn new information about the field from the new research that is out there on health and fitness .

So far my health is ok since my issues have been taken care for the moment which is a blissful since I am unemployed but have my veteran's health insurance to fall back on and they will take care of me until I die unless there are some major changes in my coverage.

I am still working on exercising more when I can and when I feel up to it. Here at home doesn't work well for me. So I know I need to get back in the gym. Forthcoming I know. Time will tell

In the meantime day by day is my motto. Pace myself , reduce my stress and living a simplistic existence always remain my goal. Lessons to be learned and my mind is open to more of it. Bring it on.

That is it for the moment. Thanks for reading

Until next time

Kirk

Short Update

2009-09-01T13:02:00.003-04:00

Hello my friends

It has been a while since I posted-I have been very busy with school catching up on my homework.

I am still behind but have time to write something to let people know I am still around but busy.

I have been doing ok with managing my salt intake which was an issue when I went to the doctor-I have been using Mrs. Dash salt substitute for seasoning and I have been staying off the sweets and processed foods or cutting down on them.

I am still working on being consistent with the recording of my daily meals and exercise. Work to do but progressing.

I just bought the upgrade to my OS for Mac which is called Snow Leopard and I am testing it out. I have no major issues just irritating things that I know will be fixed in upcoming software updates along with finding compatible versions of my third party software ,plugins , etc.

I am in my 8th week of school and I will be done on September 18 Thank God this is a course that was hard to interpret based on the text book which is very technical but I am making do with the resources that I have.

Thank God as well that I dont use my Windows computer anymore for major work I will get back to it to see If I can continue to delete files off the disk . It is just very buggy and on a 8 year computer with ton of stuff on it that needed to be deleted .

Hmm I am about done with this post I dont have a lot to report as of right now maybe in a week I will have more for you

Until then

Kirk

Health and Fitness Update

2009-08-04T13:38:00.001-04:00

I am working on getting my weight down for health purposes and yesterday I went to see a dietitian at the VA Hospital based on my health concerns which I will get into later. I am just happy that I am focusing on this part of my life - Beside if my health is not great then I wont be living a quality life which I think all of us need to concentrate on.

Based on my other blogs it has been a struggle and it may still be a struggle on some days to focus on my diet and exercise routines. So I am working on it but I have not regressed. I also picked up a weight scale to monitor my weight loss,gain and maintenance levels I am excited since I know basically what i need to do. Every one on Twitter and Face book that I follow or correspond with have provided me with vital info that I need to know for this journey on a physical , emotional and spiritual level. I will keep you updated on my progress and regression for feedback. Feel free to leave comments, suggestions or ideas based on your professional or personal experiences .

I also did recheck with my oncologist regarding the side effects that I am experiencing from my radiation treatments there is some blood traces of some significance in places there should not be blood that has caused me concern. So I was there at the VA Hospital to see the dietitian and at the same time got my glasses readjusted, picked up a weight scale and talked to my oncologist which was surprising since I did not expect to see him yesterday. So that was very reassuring that he saw me right away and told me that the side effects will pass with time. I will see him in January 2010 if not before . I am hoping that I wont have to see him until then.

Thanks for reading

Again feel free to comment

Until next time

Kirk

My Current health concern

2009-07-31T14:00:00.004-04:00

Hello all

I am somewhat concerned about a side effect of my radiation treatment which took place in July -August of 2008 in reference to treating my prostate cancer. Last month I went and saw my oncologist at VA Hospital here in Cleveland. Based on the blood test results my PSA was not bad at all. I think it was below 00.5 which is good but was elevated from my last test in January. I am scheduled to see him every 6 months for an update on my health status. I did have traces of blood in my stool which I mentioned to him.

He told me not to worry about it since it was showing up infrequently and he asked me about my sexual activity and if I had any blood in my urine. No concerns there. Everything is in working order.

Now he did ask about my ejaculate and if there was any blood within the semen. At the time it was not a issue because it was not showing up from any sexual activity that I had. Soon after I saw him, I started observing trace amounts of blood in my semen which freaked me out. It showed up in more than a trace amount and then I got concerned . Although he told me that it may show up from the radiation treatments since their was inflammation to my bladder,rectum and prostate from the process-it still caused me concern. At this moment I am hesitant to continue my sexual activities until it heals. Hopefully it will subside with time.

My reproductive , urinary and lower digestive tract are in close proximity to one another which account for the inflammation that we discussed during our biannual visits. It is sort of inevitable to have that side effect from the treatment. It is logical but nonetheless disconcerting. He explained the dynamics of why and how radiation can affect those areas.

It is like a scar that constantly get aggravated by the constant movement of those organs during normal activity and it may show up in the stool and of course in the ejaculate after sexual activity. So it somewhat normal up to a point. I will be in contact according to his instructions and my gut feeling if it gets any worse.

I will see him again in December or January to recheck my PSA level and discuss if I need any more treatment. I am confident that I will be OK. I have read some very interesting research and some personal struggles involving this silent and potentially deadly disease. It explains why I am so passionate about this and diligent about communicating it to men of my age group.

Until next time

Kirk

My week in review

2009-07-27T21:41:00.003-04:00

Good day all

I am little late on reporting on the journey that I am experiencing . I am starting my 3rd week in school and I am enjoying it so far - Hmm let me ponder-should I be feeling this way about school . I have not spoke much about my brother that I have developed a close and intimate relationship with . We as brothers never had much of a relationship as kids but after our mom passed in 2005 when have become closer. I speak to him almost every day-He says he is proud of my accomplishments as I am of his. We have been through a lot-Tragedy as we perceive it provided us with opportunities that are not of a tangible nature-We have had many blessings that we never knew about until after our mom died. She has paved a way for us to appreciate the little things in life. Believe me there is a lot of truth in realizing what is important in life.

On that note it seems that I am in the process of hooking back up with my high school classmates which bring up tremendous anxiety since it has been 30 years since I was in high school. My best friend that I knew in high school contacted me and I was elated to hear from him. He is married in living in California. We have a lot of catching up to do-a lot has happened since then. We will see how that goes.

I just watched an account from 9/11 "survivors" on Hulu.com called "7 days in September" Highly recommended. It is sad and heartbreaking. I was in New York before all this happened and even ate dinner in the Windows of the World restaurant and took a pic on a ferry with the Twin Towers in the background . Just to see and hear the accounts of what took placed during that attack and after from several people that experienced it was breathtaking. Another humbling moment. Another Divine intervention.

I am still struggling with my sense of identity but maybe it is there right in front of my face and I am not seeing it. Sometimes I get so analytical that it clouds my sense of logic. If you have read most of my blogs, I write about those accounts or events that explain my issues with my identity. So I wont bore you with those details.

Still working on getting my health back to optimal levels-watching my salt intake, exercising at home on somewhat a structured routine. Consistency is a challenge, but I am working on that as well since I plan on being back in the 8-5 world soon after school ends. I am preparing for that as we speak.

I think I will stop for the sake of my readers.

Again I apologize for the lengthy post. I will probably write one weekly instead of every three days since I think I will have more to report on.

Until next time

Kirk

The Day of my natural high

2009-07-19T17:08:00.003-04:00

I am glad to say that I worked out today and loved it -I felt the endorphins racing through my body. Boy what a feeling it is like a morphine high. I have not felt that for a long time and I do miss it terribly, Today I did a intense set of 21's and some ab exercises with my ab wheel , push ups and shoulder exercises with my dumbbells -all this in a 1o minute period.

For those that know how much I struggled to regain my structure after several deaths in my family. I was and still am working on that factor that will give me some peace of mind. I did not know that it was going to be this hard. My own naivete showing its face.

There has been a proliferation of events that have been happening lately that further define the journey I am on. I have made contact with my high school alumni group online and have started finding some classmates that I know . One of them being my best friend that I grew up with -that was great to see a pic of him and he is married now. Never saw that coming based on the high school conversations we used have about that. Just kid talk . Based on the profile and pics on the site he seems to be OK.

So that brought up some nostalgic feelings of my childhood. A topic for my therapist since my childhood has been my focus lately. I cannot go into detail -too personal but it is very complex and somewhat mysterious.

Each day that I get older I feel I am becoming a wiser man -although I wish the younger generation could experience the emotions that I am feeling . It will humble the toughest man I think.to realize how blessed we are as human beings living in these times. But of course experience is the best teacher but our younger geerations are not living to experience the wisdom that comes with age. It is sad and scary scenario.

Enough said
I am also getting melancholy in my old age as well

I am in my first week of my class and need to finish my assignments for the week -going great, seems like a great class so far
I thought I should keep my schedule to write my blog every three days as was mentioned to my readers and a commitment to myself as well

Until next time

Kirk

Blogging during Power outage

2009-07-16T02:07:00.000-04:00

My blog-07/16/09
Blogging during Power outage

Well, here I am sitting in the dark at my apartment on a Thursday morning. I am writing this blog on my Mac that is working on battery power until the lights come back on. There was a power surge in the building since my apartment building is the only one on the street that is completely without power. It is a weird scenario it seems like someone or something sapped the energy out of the building and it just working on reserves because the lights work but are very dim.-Never seen that before. Which gives me time to do this blog and work on my assignment for this week?
Anyhow that was the excitement for me just hope they come back on before my battery power runs out.

I am back in school starting this week. My class is System Development and Theory-it looks challenging but I know if I do my research and read the book I will understand the context better. There are many professionals in my class that can help me with the terminology since some of them work in the field of software engineering. That is always an advantage. At the moment I dont have the text but luckily I was able to go to Google Books and look a limited preview of the text online. So maybe I will be able to get by without the book.,like I did last term. Keeping my fingers crossed due tot the book being over 90.00 Yikes.

My unstructured training is starting to take shape but I need to focus on different days, different body part, for example chest and back, legs abs, biceps triceps, shoulders and maybe calves. I have been getting research online by scanning my twitter and face book followers and getting a little bit from each one to consolidate workouts
I have started doing very intense whole body routines that dont take more than 10 minutes which is great since I m not able to join a gym due to financial constraints which I am sure everyone is suffering from these days. So I am remembering the ones that worked the most body parts in a shorter time. Thanks for the informative videos,.inks and websites that I viewed and commented on from my followers and the one that I follow on Face book and Twitter.
My diet is now drastically changed since I went to the doctor and found out my blood pressure is on the borderline of being hypertensive. So all the fitness professionals out there know what the culprit is Salt and Fat, They both can be modified to healthy levels, so I am working on that and will be checked again in 4 months to see if it has changed.

My staple breakfast in the morning is green tea, oatmeal and maybe a banana or apple whichever one is available
I always have ground turkey as my main protein source but was eating more processed and convenience foods and based on my decreased level of activity. Unemployed and an online college student. Poses a challenge to my state of well being.
My goal is to go back to the gym and work on my cardiovascular system and continue to modify my diet close to what it was when I was preparing for bodybuilding shows. My last one was in 2002. Since then family and health issues (passing on mother and close family friend 2005 and 2003 respectively) moving in 2007, being diagnosed with prostate cancer on St. Patrick Day in 2008. It seems I hit a bump in the road. During that time I was working on my core identity (finding out who I was as a man)
Counseling and support from my immediate family and friends has helped me with those challenges and I am sure they will be there in my upcoming challenges

I hope this is not to long to read and if you get to this point thanks for reading and comment please I love the comments or suggestions

Until next time  
Kirk

Focusing on my health and fitness

2009-07-12T11:29:00.003-04:00

Here I am again a day before I mentioned I was going to update. I went to my doctor on Friday and got a wake up call concerning my blood pressure. It has doubled over a 2year period and I am certain it is due to my activity level since I quit work in 2004 . Of course since then I have been in school and I am about to graduate . Old news I know.

Let's concentrate on current events - I am going to be more vigilant about my exercise and diet although it is hard and challenging to get moving. I am sure people can relate to the challenging early morning routine. It is never the same everyday. Sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is hard nonetheless it has to be done and consistently in order for it to be effective. I do know that but at the same time I am human and have the same challenges every morning . Procrastination is something that I still need to work out - although in the last 5 years I have gotten better with getting tasks done on time. My online college courses has sparked that fire because if I dont there are consequences

Just this morning I did a 10 min routine of opposing muscle groups in a home setting using dumbbells, stool and an ab wheel

This my routine as I remember:
3 super sets of elevated push ups/ bench dips
2 super sets of db rows/ 21's for biceps -bodybuilding veterans and readers remember those -very intense
2 sets of ab wheel
All of these done to failure.

My breakfast was my usual :
Green tea
Oatmeal with 2 percent milk
apple
banana
and a scrambled egg

Now I am posting this not just for my readers but for myself as well to motivate me and know that it is possible to get back to almost contest shape with out the competition weighing on my mind. My health is the priority and being a Health Education major I know what I need to do. I want to thank the bloggers and twitters that I have met and talked to concentrating on health and fitness
Some of your stories are awe inspiring and motivating. Thank you willofiron(Gary) FAtlife(Drew),Mobilelifetoday for giving me the opportunity to write about my experiences.
There are more if I left you out I apologize.

I will close since I have to start to look at my coursework for the summer term that starts on Monday the 13th and it looks challenging so I may not update this blog as much as I like.
Please feel free to leave comments,questions and criticisms since I am a blogger that is a little green but it is very therapeutic for me.

Until next time
Kirk

Back to school and Health Update

2009-07-10T21:12:00.004-04:00

Well it is that time again. Vacation over -What vacation right? I am starting my new class called System Development and Theory at my online college Capella University -It is really a great college if anyone is interested in attending a online college. Highly recommended.

I have this class and my major project class which involves a comprehensive approach based on previous classes and what I have learned in those classes. It is similar to a Thesis I suppose but it is called the Capstone Project and then I graduate with a Master's of Science Degree in Information Technology with a specialization in Health Information Systems . Fancy name huh ? Wish me luck .

Now in reference to my health I just returned from seeing my primary physician at the VA Hospital
I just needed to rule any undetected injuries resulting from my accident that took place on May 25. They took x-rays of the my lower jaw since it was injured in the accident. Overall My occupants and I were very lucky to survive with only bumps and bruises, along with some lingering anxiety to be in a car in general.
I am submitting a claim so I will need the documentation from my doctor stating if there are any physical injuries from the accident. This process will finish that chapter after I get the documents from the hospital.

While in the process of checking in which usually involves taking vitals (pulse, temperature and blood pressure) they did notice my BP was slightly elevated aka Stage 1 hypertension.
That concerned me ,so I know in the last five years I have become more sedentary based on the fact of sitting at my desk at home doing my coursework for the online class as well as checking email,surfing the net ,etc. Another Wake up call.

Eating processed foods ! When I am at home it is so easy to stick a frozen pizza in the oven or god forbid eat chips -Yes that is one of my guilty pleasures amongst others.
Nonetheless I know is elevating my blood pressure from 120/70 to 147 /90 within a five year period. Not good so I have choices to make and I know that it involves diet modification and exercise.

My home exercise routine is very minimal lately -I presently have an ab wheel , some dumbbells which I work out with along with doing an intense routine of calisthenics . So I know I need to go back to my former gym and pay the fees for a month. Revisiting that challenge will be good for me since this last visit to the doctor was another life lesson.

I have gained some arm size and my lats / back muscles have become thicker from the exercises I perform at home. but my weight is now concentrated at my midsection where the extra weight lies.

Oh I forgot to mention my weight was 157 in 2007 and now it is 174. The doctor showed me the graph displaying my weight and blood pressure fluctuations . Quite a eye opening experience when you see it on paper.

OK so I will close and please comment or email me with those comments , questions or statements based on your professional opinion and/or experience.

I will try to keep this updated every three days instead of weekly since I need the feedback from my readers as well as supplying me with reminders when i review my previous blogs -So they are a source of motivation when i get in a quandary concerning my well being.

Until next time
Kirk

My Week in Review

2009-07-08T21:04:00.002-04:00

I am still reeling from my trip to New York- I have this new and alive feeling from being there and coming back to Cleveland and recognizing things in more detail. It was meant to be for me to go there to break through this barrier that has been in part self- imposed and part experience- based stemming from my prostate cancer diagnosis back to the passing of my mother and best friend and the many transitions that either complicated or resolved the questions I had. Lots of whys and ifs that plagued me and still do to some extent. I feel that I am opening another chapter in my life.

I am about to graduate with a Masters in Information Technology hopefully by the end of the year. And then" what?" I ask myself -I am preparing myself emotionally for the next major step as well as revising my resume and doing some basic networking ,sort of setting the groundwork.

I hope that the economy will continue to repair itself with the help of our government. I am also looking into certifying myself in Personal Fitness Training. I know it will take some time to get that done but my love is in Personal Training. I have done personal training in health facilities and clubs, competed in local bodybuilding shows (Won Mr. Cleveland in 2002) -Take a look at my twitter account and who I follow. Thus far I have obtained a lot of pertinent info of what I need to do and how to do it. I am meticulous about how I am going to go forward with this chapter in my life. Slow and steady ,thinking in practical terms.

Some people will say it is asinine to approach it in those terms but that is how I make my best decisions. Being risky and impulsive never worked for me so I wont . I think God has given me this respite from the 8 -5 world to heal and revisit my goals in life. So I am taking advantage of this opportunity. And it has helped me make better decisions. Thank you

It bring me to the tragic death of the King of Pop Micheal Jackson , I have heard so many stories about this man who grew up in my era and endured a very dysfunctional childhood. I can relate in many ways if I did not have the help and support that Micheal did not receive or if he did it was little to none- I would probably be going down that same road. Our stories are similar in some respects except his childhood was replaced by being anointed the Boy Wonder of the Jackson 5. That is some tremendous pressure. So when I listen or read about what some people are saying about him I get angry because more than likely they never experienced what he went through -In that respect I did not either -You have to learn to show some empathy which I have enough to pass around. It is very easy to blame him for a lot of thing that has happened in his life. If so , then please question yourself to find out what sparked the events that you blame him for.
OK I will stop the rant. Just a feeling I have since his death. I have even learned how much more precious my life is and I feel blessed to not be under that same pressure.

I have great resolve and strength that have matured from my life experiences thus far.
BTW I just got word that my prostate cancer is in remission according to my oncologist Whew what a relief I will see him in 6 months for another blood test and checkup.

I do pray for those whose prostate cancer is so advanced that it metastasized to the other organs and usually at that stage it gets harder to treat. I have talked to some of the veterans in the VA Hospital where I get treatment and checkups .
More sad stories ,another indication of the blessing I have been given. Thank you

This is a longer blog than usual I do apologize if you get to this point. The last few months have been very eye-opening for me in reference to my mission here on earth.

Until next time
Kirk

In a New York Minute

2009-07-03T11:27:00.003-04:00

I had the best experience starting last Friday I rode to New York with some friends just to get a sense of a different air. I am from Cleveland Ohio and based on my history it was needed. I have not been to New York since the 9 /11 tragedy and wanted to see the site where it all took place. I did not get to see the site but it was not necessary. Since I was overwhelmed by the New York Scene -what a culture shock. I realized that I did not have the same emotional reaction that I did years ago before the the 9/11 tragedy. I did eat in the restaurant called the "Windows of the World " in the WTC with a friend whose birthday was on the day we ate there. So there is emotional attachment there.

Coming in to the city from the highway there was this haze lying over the skyline sans the Twin Towers. Another emotional moment for me. I was so excited that I did not sleep the whole 8 hrs I was on the road.

After we arrived and rented a parking garage space for 3 days It houses cars for a long as you want .
We did hook up with our hosts who welcomed us into their house which was in the city of Mahattan -Walking through the city in the early morning hours was electric- I was the typical tourist looking at all the magnificant bulidings that makes New York the international city that it is quoted to be and watching New Yorkers go through there daily grind -it was a different energy that I haven't felt in a while. I have traveled to many sites in the US but I was younger and did not appreciate the experience of being in a different city.

We walked and walked throughout the city. I visited many popular sites including the park that is facing the Hudson River and our guide pointed out where the Plane landed (cant recall the flight number) where all the people survived due to the Pilot's excellent landing on the water.
Toured Times Square and walked through the theater district . Truly fascinating.

As far as exercise is concerned I am sure I got enough of it -losing weight in the process.
Not sure how much since my scale is on the fritz at home.

I was tired but was too hyped to sleep the whole three days- I did rest and was back the following morning to hit the pavement to tour more sites. We did not take in any movies, theater performances etc. Just toured the famous sites that I spoke of earlier and ate at a place called The City Diner and a great Italian restaurant that had fab pizza and pasta -Homemade of course.

I am glad that I experienced this because it gave me a greater appreciation for the city although the cost of living is high it is a great city to live in. It is booming with electricity literally 24 hours a day. -the city that never sleeps

I might go back in August and will probably stay longer because there is so much more I want to experience. For those of your that have never been in New York please go -it is a eye opener
I have a new energy that I needed to face the challenges that I am currently dealing with and those yet to come.

Speaking of that I went yesterday to get a blood test to detect my PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) level to see how my prostate gland is functioning after my radiation therapy for prostate cancer. I will see my oncologist on the 8th to review the results -Update to follow

Until next time
Kirk

Evaluating my upcoming summer

2009-06-18T10:55:00.003-04:00

It has been awhile since I posted I do apologize to those who read my blogs-I finished up school on the 12th of June and I will take two more classes starting on July 12 to finish up for graduation-the school wants me to take two classes ,but I know I can only take one class at a time based on the class structure. It works better for me if I take one class at a time.

The accident chapter that I have been focusing on is not much of a chapter to write on. It is not going to amount to much compensation for me since I was not injured severely.

I am still going to therapy and as an unemployed veteran I have no choice but to take the care they deliver,which is great and I feel blessed to have this service available. I am now going to see another therapist later on next week and also going to New York that same week for a few days to just breathe and experience a different air. I will update you on what happens when it happens.

My health and fitness journey has been ok to say the least but not to my liking . Mostly I have been doing calisthenics and some dumbbell exercises to tone and strengthen my upper body. I am seeing some changes in my musculature in the upper body but I know I need to work my legs / abs and do some intense cardio. And that time will come I am sure.

At this stage of my life I am taking it easy not because I am lazy as some would think but because that is what I am experiencing . And no one will understand it unless they have walked in these shoes. My experiences are not based on someone's' expectations of what I should be doing with my life. I walk the walk very lightly. I am 48 and at a turning point in my life. New career opportunities are out there for me to jump on and I am going to do that with the motivation and drive that I have built over the last 5 years . I know I could not do that if I was working a stressful 8 hour day. That was my past and I am looking forward to a more peaceful existence for the next 40 years of my life.

Next week will be a busy one and I may not update until I return from my trip to New York

Look for the update

Until next time

Kirk

My busy week

2009-06-02T10:06:00.003-04:00

Hello all my readers,

This week of June 1 starts with my thoughts focused on getting ready for my visit to the doctor at my local VA Hospital. I have to see my therapist and my eye doctor on the same day.

The eye appointment was canceled from the 4th until tomorrow which I did not want because the appointments are spread so far apart (one in the morning and one in the afternoon ).

I do take the public transportation which has something left to be desired schedule-wise. So I am preparing how my day is going to proceed tomorrow morning Ugh.

Based on the events that took place on the May 19. I have accident claim forms to fill out and I need to revise my accident account to put in my newly created folder. Boy I do understand why most people are so stressed with the claim and court proceeding involved in getting compensated for physical and emotional damages that occurred in the accident.

Challenges that make me that stronger person I need to be to face bigger challenges. And I have been scheduled by the hospital to see my therapist every two weeks ,so I do need to make them especially since my latest incident, which was the accident on May 19. I am going to call or research the proceedings that take place with medical bills obtained from another hospital to process my medical claim.

Well if I may finish this blog the rest of the week was very busy -I did go to the therapist only to find that he is leaving for a better job and I am going to a closer facility that will take some stress out of the scenario.

That is good although in the process I will have yet another doctor. But that is the price of getting free medical service from the government. Based on the rules and regulations of the VA hospital I will have to wait until they contact me by mail to let me know when to make a appointment. It is somewhat inconvenient but I am blessed to have the medical insurance based on my past health issues.

On a better note Saturday I went out to dinner with friends to celebrate one of the friend's graduation and getting his doctorate in Genetics . We call him Dr. Phil since is first name is Phil. We had a great time where we ate dinner and explored the neighborhood where the restaurant was and came upon this art gallery where there were artists that drew on the fly live models and got their timed finished products judged upon by the artists that were present. It was a enlightening and educational experience. It is considered an eclectic and artsy neighborhood so it was not a surprise to see this.

I am finishing up my class for the quarter. This is my last week and I am not sure what class it will be.I have two more classes to take and I will be graduating with a Master's of Science in Information Technology with a specialization in Health Information Systems. I have to talk to my advisor again since I did not write down the class numbers Shucks.

I am not sure where this will take me but I am confident things will work themselves out. It always does.

I will continue to go to therapy on a regular basis since the accident has produced a whole new set of issues with me to work thru.

My other issues remain that need to be worked out which I will not go into at the moment. They have their own story and place in blogs to come.

My exercise and health is improving although since it is getting warmer here , there will be no excuse to workout at my gym instead of working out at home which never worked out well for me. I need a new scale to record my weight loss although every time I go to the doctor it shows weight gain instead weigh loss Yikes.

Good luck on my future accomplishments although I don't think I will need it since I think based on the recent car accident I am being protected by a guardian angel and there is a mission for me on this earth. It is maybe a future in my amateur writing who knows to record my life trials and tribulations

Until next time

Kirk

Another wake up call Part 2

2009-05-30T12:56:00.002-04:00

I know my last blog concentrated on the accident itself and it now amazes me on how many personal injury lawyers contacted me by mail none by cell phone yet. Thank god I am alive to experience this. I am grateful and again humbled-still trying to find out what it (life ) all means . I do know that I will learn what those answers to my lingering questions are soon enough.

I am looking to get more correspondence as time goes on.

In the meantime I am enjoying and somewhat embracing the current experiences no matter how miniscule they are. It is funny how that seems to make sense at some point-that teaching and learning moment . And you go "oh that is what that means" Patience and humility are qualities of mine that are constantly being challenged along with my levels of anxiety .

I am going to see my therapist on the 4th to discuss my new experience and how it impacts my psyche. I am eager to speak on this since it has again lit that bulb in my head. Maybe telling me to be alert but not neurotic about future challenges yet to come.

I have come a long way since 2003 when my world fell apart Lots of insight and working on my physical , emotional and spiritual state. My experiences are similar with someone who has experienced exactly the same thing and maybe at the same time,but the reaction to these life experiences are much different which is where therapy has given me hope that things will get better.

I am still working on how I am going to approach my identity situation since my mom died and I have yet to grieve her death although I knew when I placed in the nursing home it was her final resting place. And my father has the answers to a lot of my questions regarding what I have questions about .

I have come to the conclusion that it may never take place since he is close to 90 and approaching the end of his life.

My physical health is avg. but better. I am working out at home with dumbbells and my ab wheel along with doing calisthenics . It helps although I need to be more consistent,which is my biggest challenge. I think it has to do with the unfinished business I have concerning my identity.

I have seem some changes from my inconsistent workouts but not as fast as I want to materialize More definition but still have weight issues - patience is my friend ,ally and best supporter.

Until next time

Kirk

Another wake up call

2009-05-23T11:56:00.003-04:00

Hello all in cyberspace.

Here is another event that again changed my life , the day is Tues. the 19th of May that I speak of . I was excited about getting a new office chair and nothing really gave me any indication that my day would create another milestone on my journey thru life.

My old chair was great but very old and starting to wear to where I was seeing metal thorough the once-scotchgarded fabric. Of course the day was beautiful in the 70's I believe. Perfect day. I went to a warehouse that sold thousands of office chairs at prices that ranged from 30.00 to 700.00. I never thought a chair would be worth 700.00 but this is America right .

So after I bought the chair, it was loaded in the back seat of my friends car which was a 4-door sedan. I sat in the back seat with my new chair, eager to test it out at home. Then I guess about 5 minutes into the journey back home we were hit broadside by a vehicle. I do remember my driver swerving to avoid something and it hit us and shook the car with a horrific jolt. I was not knocked out but was in shock since it happened so fast and as I became aware of what happened my jaw started to hurt from the chair which hit me in the jaw as I later found out.

And the chair did sustain some damage. The impact broke one of the arm rests and bent the lower part of the other arm. To make a long story short . 911 was called by myself and checked on both of my passengers who were ok although we have lasting bruises that are irritating which is great since it could have been a lot worse based on the condition of the car after the accident.

I cannot comment on the conditions of the passengers although two of us went to the hospital to be treated and released later that day. Just to say that we are lucky the injuries were not more severe. I have jaw pain which involves taking a pain pill every 6 hours. This happens as Memorial Day Weekend is upon us.

Another blessing as I reflect upon this event. The message is there to enjoy the life you have whether it is not going as you think it should.

Until next time

Kirk

My Journey continues

2009-05-18T18:38:00.002-04:00

I can honestly say I am on the road to recovery-I am feeling so much better after the tragic events that took place 4-5 years ago . It is a memory but not painful. Anniversaries are hard but they happened and remain with me for a reason. This I believe is to learn life's lessons and become a stronger person physically ,emotionally and spiritually My spirituality is something so abstract as well as my emotions. But emotions create certain reactions both conscious and unconscious. I have learned thru therapy to control how I react to certain things that trigger strong emotions like losing loved ones, being uncertain about my identity and my future. It is scary and challenging to my psyche. Spirituality seems to be such an intangible entity but I know I have obtained all the tools from therapy to enhance my thinking about what that means and how it will affect my life from here on in.

I debate with myself with regard to what I did and where I was in my "former life" I was a working and law abiding man who was somewhat content with his life at that time. I had a car that I was barely able to afford and I was living with a person who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder-in laymen's terms he was clinically depressed. I dealt with the challenges that my choices created . I am that type of person that will take on a challenge that is handed to me, but will never impose that upon myself . Who will wantonly do that? Who will self-impose that kind of torture. Is it sadistic ? Is it neurotic. That is the mystery of how the human mind works.

It is fascinating to discover those things about myself and embrace them. I have had a lot of time on my hands since I am in school and not employed. My health is ok and as I get older (my birthday was May 14sedentary-My) I realize what my parents used to tell me about getting older

I am trying to get back in decent shape since I have became more sedentary-My motivation needs a tune up and it has to come from the inside. I can get all the outside positive reinforcement from my family and friends but I have to convince myself that it is the best thing to do. That darn anxiety that affects us all in one way or another seems to be my crutch along with my stubbornness that kills my motivation to almost zero.

Needless to say it is my biggest challenge to date. Most people that I tell this story to are either inspired or saddened or both . This is the walk I walk and I am talking about the experiences that have formed who I am as a human being.

My journey is not finished as we all will come to realize. I may be further along than some people in my age group but I had a lot of time to work on it.

Until next time

Kirk

Reflection

2009-05-14T09:00:00.002-04:00

Hey all my readers I am 48 as of this date my birth what a year I had. Interesting to say the least.

I had the" C "word scare cancer of the prostrate, was diagnosed on March 17 I. St patty's day

I had the biggest shock of my life when I was told this life change . It took awhile for it to sink in after he told me. I tend to minimize things for the sake of my state of mind. I have learned to repress my emotions for a better time to express them. Yeah that is smart.

Listen I am so very blessed to have the life I have now.

I am in a great relationship with my family and my friends. They have been there for me when I needed them. If you have read some of my blogs I have had a few rocky years but survived with some scars but no devastating wounds. I feel I am a stronger person because of this.

My health status is better but not where I want it to be. I am getting back on that fitness bandwagon slowly but surely. Lost some weight by observation and the way I feel body wise

The scales says something different even if I subtract 5 lbs for clothes. 172 lb. at 5'4 is over weight based on my BMI measurement. I am more muscular from doing home exercises(calisthenics) and using the Ab wheel. I am going to up the intensity by trying to do something everyday. I want to go back to my gym but it is a financial problem since I am an unemployed Master's Student. I do receive a refund check every three months based on when I take the class. Anyhow I am on the comeback trail Root for me and I will be feeling the vibes through Cyberspace.

I am becoming a twitter addict. At first I did not care for it now I am watching the feeds constantly it is very addictive as well as Face book. I dont access Face book that much since my tweets end up in my newsfeed on Face book. I am not sure I like this but I have to watch my banter and words since it is transferred over to my Face book account.

I have become a writer of my life accounts and how they tie in into one's life. I have been given the opportunity to write for an online ezine called MobileLIfeToday www.mobilelifetoday.com

One article concentrated on my Prostate Cancer scare and how I dealt with that and then I became passionate about men focusing on getting tested since I dodged a bullet — they caught it in its early stages. And if it was not for the rectal exam and the blood test I would be still carrying this silent killer which strikes men over 40 and it is concentrated in the African American culture. It is a slow growing cancer and usually it is asymptomatic until one is in his 60 or 70's and some research shows that it then becomes symptomatic , unfortunately it may have spread to other organs. This is motivation for writing the article.

I know I am being protected by guardian angels and guided in the right direction that will enhance my quantity of life for years to come.

I will be embarking on job searches and career preparation in the coming months since my anticipated date of graduation is December of this year. Wish me luck on this journey.

Until next time

Kirk

My Quiet Respite

2009-05-02T16:12:00.003-04:00

Hello all I am sorry I have not written on my blog for awhile-Life sort of gets in the way of that.

I am still in school finishing up my classes for a Master's in Information Technology. I am still amazed on how I am progressing in many areas of my life. Months come and go as well as those anniversaries that were significant in my recovery,for example my mom and best friend 's passing which was very hard on my mind ,body and spirit.

My prostate cancer event was the most current challenge I had to face and due to my ability to minimize the shock of having cancer it sparked an aggressive or more assertive quality that I did not know I had. To make a long story short I was diagnosed March 17,2008, started radiation treatments in July and finished my treatments in September-A total of 54 days every weekday. So at this time it is a little over a year since my diagnosis. I have been going to most of my scheduled appts. for other health issues that I have and focus on my life going forward. This is my period of quiet respite-brand new year with a whole new set of challenges

Until next time

Kirk

St Patty Anniversary

2009-03-18T08:25:00.003-04:00

Hey all

This is a very significant anniversary for me since on this date last year i was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer and now I am unofficially in remission.

Captain Kirk's Mac experience

2009-03-10T07:58:00.003-04:00

A twitter follower has a ezine that I am interested in and after I made the statement that there was no men's articles at all on anything . He mentioned to me to submit an article on men's issues by the 23rd of this month. So I am brainstorming on what to write about.

I am finishing up my class for this quarter and I will have time (about a week) to think about a topic and write up to 500 words on a subject that involves some pertinent men issues.

I think I got one off the top of my head and I will not reveal it yet since I am apt to change my mind,so I will keep it a "secret". I am kind of pumped about it. My first piece of published work-no big deal right.

I am becoming more familiar with my new Mac book Pro and I am still in love with my new toy

I learning more about the machine and how it works in reference to Windows PC . I still have my PC for basic files and I am still trying to get all of my important files onto my Mac. I am being somewhat cautious based on my first experience with my New Mac which happened on the 8th of February.

I went to the Apple Store here in Cleveland and I got a very different feel walking in there.

There seems to be a sort of camaraderie there and to add when I bought it I was congratulated when I told them that this computer was my very first. They were very polite in asking me if I minded if they went through the routine which I think they do for all first time Mac users and buyers. Truly a nice feeling. I guess that for the price you pay for their products they should provide a little moral support along with any technical help that may come up highly unlikely right?

Well I bought it for 2k and took it home and it developed problems after the third day I had it

and then I bought it back for them to tell me after they looked at it, that it was a hardware issue.

I wont go into details but it was inoperable after the problems developed. They allegedly fixed it and I took it back home only to have the problem repeat itself which of course gave me anxiety based on what I went thru with my 7 year old Compaq laptop. I did take it back and after talking with the reps there I was presented with a new model and was again a satisfied customer and to this day I am happy with it. I am connecting to a lot of Mac users and watching mac tutorials on the Apple site and other various sites including mac forums and you tube videos on different things I could do on my Mac book and with the operating system which is Macosx Leopard 10.5-

And as I write this Apple is working on their new OS upgrade Snow Leopard 10.6 which I probably wont get since it is not free.

That is all I can think of right now

So until next time

Kirk

Notes from a Mac Newbie

2009-03-03T17:52:00.003-05:00

Hello all

I am still testing my new Mac and it is working great I am still a little taken back about what it can do. I have been reviewing a lot of Youtube Mac tutorials and even set up a google alert to notify me by email when anything about my Macbook Pro comes available from any news source or blog. I am guess I am somewhat happy since I am not as frustrated as I was when I had my PC.

It was old (7 years old) and starting to show the BSOD (Blue Screen of Death)which was a little too much for my taste. I have to admit I did contribute to the problem by downloading tons of unneeded software. And for your tech geeks out there you know what happens to a PC 's stability when that scenario materializes and besides my Compaq Presario was running a Mac emulator (basically hacked system files to emulate a Mac's appearance and some functions.) It compromised my memory which had a mere 256mb capacity with a hard disk capacity of 20 gb .

Wow such a weird thing to see and hear especially since I got this new mac which has 2 gb of memory with a disk capacity of 256 gb . Quite a difference huh!

I will keep this updated as new things happen in my life as a new Mac user.

Until next time

KIrk

MY first Mac Cont.

2009-02-18T17:37:00.002-05:00

Hello all

I dont know where I left off but I think I was feeling the elation from buying my first Mac

I have had it for ten days unofficially due to having to make an exchange three days after I bought the first one.

The Mac experience is just what every seasoned Mac user says it is"That once you go with a Mac you never turn back" And this is she, my great macbook pro. I am still learning the ropes and fascinated about what it can do. I am going to be using the installed apps instead of jumping on that download wagon, it always does me in. and before I have limited disk space so i will watch it.

I am looking forward to not having those system crashes that started to increase in frequency on my p.c.

I am can say I am genuinely happy

Now I am wondering how I am going to get the rest of files off my pc instead of taking it in to a technician to get them. The pics and documents are of a private nature only for my eyes only. So that option is out.

I am going to keep my PC just for that very purpose I guess. I do have a thumbdrive but I am not sure if is compatible with my new Mac since they are files made on the window platform.

I will figure it out.

My health is ok lately since my prostate cancer scare-I just got through a slight cold which lasted a total of 2.5 days-I nipped it in the bud with Zicam and green tea. I think I am going to go back to the gym at some point in the meantime I am working out here in my apt.

I have to stay focused on one thing at a time. I am jumble of feelings right now since I got this macintosh.

I can't explain how blessed I am at this very moment to be able to experience the events that have taken place in the last 5 years since I my life changed so drastically.

I guess I dont give myself enough time to think about it-There are many fleeting thoughts and subsequent sadness. Only lasts for a short time-I am aware of the triggers but try to stay focused on my future goals

I am going to stop there

Until next time

Kirk

41 Top Tips To Growing Your Social Media Presence

2009-02-18T10:28:00.001-05:00

Discover how you can boost your presence in the social media world by following these 41 top tips

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My first Mac

2009-02-15T20:31:00.002-05:00

On Feburary 8 I purchased a Macbook Pro laptop and it was long time overdue . I did my research on buying the Mac due to the frustration I was having with my PC (Compaq Presario Laptop) now 7 years old and fading fast. So I decided that it became more of a necessity than a luxury to have a new computer. My rationalization came from my status as a online Master's student at Capella Univeristy . So I am excited and finally picked out one that I liked and would have the features that I desire. I needed a faster and more reliable computer just for school work and my email and general internet surfing.

I purchased it at a Apple Store and bought it home and it worked fine for three days and then suddenly it went to sleep and never came out of sleep so I "cold booted" it I will update you more maybe tomorrow on my Macintosh story

Year of Renewal

2009-01-24T22:27:00.003-05:00

With the beginning of a year of layoffs ,mergers and economic and financial crises,

we needed a change and we are at the beginning of that era where I think it will be a slow but deliberate one I have had a rocky year due to being diagnosed with prostate cancer in March of last year -another wake up call to remind me how precious life is . I am learning more about myself as I get older . I have been unemployed for at least 5 years but been busy with school online.

I decided to take a break when I got the above diagnosis to deal physically and mentally with this new challenge

I am elated and embracing our new African American president Barack Obama -I am confident he will slowly but surely bring us out of this deep black hole the country is in. I am concerned it is going to get worse before it get better. So I have been told. I just have to monitor closely the progress the our new president is making in his first 100 days in office. He is not wasting any time with crucial issues and I am sure he will address everything that he mentioned in his campaign for the presidency. Patience is going to be something society will have to depend on since we are in a deep recession.

There will opinions from all sorts of people including the media on what should be done based on their idea of what is a priority. And that is normal. No one person or group in this world we live in will be satisfied totally with how government is handling certain issues. It is a fact of life in this century. That is why we have the power of voting -use the power that you have as a citizen to make a change.

A wave will settle down on the believers and non-believers that this change will be the best thing that has happened to this country and our international allies. Lots of work to be done.

On a personal note I am back in school and did pass my fall class which was for the second time around and in the middle of another one that I had to take again. A real difficult one but I have a jump start since the curriculum and textbooks are the same as last year when I took it.

My personal health is OK I am taking medications for various things which I wont divulge at this time. I am concentrating more on my health since I have gotten older,hence the diagnosis of cancer in March. My laid back attitude sometimes gets the best of me since I don't overtly show my emotions . They are automatically shifted to a safe space in my psyche for my own protection and I deal with it as I need to. Luckily I have time to set aside to deal with those issues -And I am appreciative of this time.

I have been working since I was 18 and never gave myself anytime to ponder personal issues. grieve tragic losses in my life and work on myself,emotionally ,physically and spiritually. Now I have the time and it is productive since I feel I am a much stronger person.

I am working out more at my home and at my local gym -not to the extent that I want but I know I will eventually get that level of satisfaction that I use to feel once I accomplished my goals whatever they maybe.

This my blog for the new year I will try to update this more but I am and will be busy trying to complete my master studies -so bear with me

Until next time

Captain Kirk

Looking Forward

2009-01-18T00:21:00.002-05:00

This is turning out to be a great year -I am better this year than I have been in the previous ones

I think I might be getting closer to attaining that peace of mind that I have longed for since 2003 when everything in my life at that time unraveled . If you have been following my blogs inconsistent as they maybe ,you will know what I am refering to. I am not saying that there wont be more challenges but I do wonder if it would be better to know for the sake of preparation and bracing for the consequences from my actions and reactions Yeah I know it is psychobabble forgive me.

This year has not had any big surprising events that I can speak of . I am getting the hang of how my 5 year computer works even better than before. It could be that I spend more time online with checking and responding to my email and going to school online. My Masters will be in Information Technology which I will get from Capella University -I have at least another year to go due to failing two classes last year about this time I just finished one last month and recieved a A and now the current one willl be challenging but I know I can do it.

My family and friends have been fair,supportive and understanding that is why I know that I have had guardian angels with me since I was born. I have developed a beautiful relationship with my brother since my Mom died in 2005 and I have yet to grieve her death.

Life does suck in that you have to watch your Mom and Dad get old and eventually pass on. This is what makes us who we are today. I think if more people realized and acknowlegded this earlier in life it would be more simple? Yeah right.

As far as getting back in shape it is coming slowly but surely I am seeing my musculature coming back although I need to get rid of my spare tire I am glad to be back on track . It will be a slow crawl for me I am pacing myself and thinking long and hard about my future maybe in the next five years.

The economy doesnt have that much impact on me since I was unemployed long before it got this bad . I lost my source of transporation in 2003 so I did not get affected by the high gas prices. I depend on public transportation most of the time unless I get a ride by someone. I am not a person to ask for help unless I am in dire need of it.

The frigid temperatures has hindered my drive even more than before -challenging my low state of motivation. Inconsistency seems to be my middle name. It has been a issue in my life ever since I started working. I found out later it was from depression that has been repressed for as long as I can remember. Behavioral and cognitive therapy has been also a part of my recovery -without it I think things would be drastically different.

I will end there and let this simmer

Until next time
The Captain

My night out

2008-12-08T17:00:00.002-05:00

My night out last night was special -I went to a Holiday festival which involves museums and some organizations dealing with arts and music -Although it was bone chilling cold I enjoyed myself and then I went to dinner and had a Hungarian dish (chicken papakrish(Sp) at a Hungarian restaurant with friends

It was nice to do this since I always get very anxious when it deals with social functions. I lighten the load by taking some prescribed anti-anxiety pills -it helps a lot.

I think things are getting better for me- I am feeling better overall, I have started back working out at the gym that I am a member of. I have been going on an avg. 4 days a week which is good considering where I was a year ago. Looking to Christmas and the new year. -especially the January 20th inauguration of Barack Obama.

This is a short but significant post -I will try to keep one going everyday

Trial and error.

Until next time

Kirk

My life thus far -Dec 5,2008

2008-12-05T14:08:00.003-05:00

It has been a month since I last wrote. I am not sure if people are reading my blogs. I guess I should be more vigilant with keeping track and making sure that people are reading it .

Anyway I am going to try to transfer my blog to Facebook and see if I get any feedback.

So here is my update I am finally getting back into my old workout routine I joined up for two months at a local gym on October 28 and it will expire on the 28th of Dec -I do see some changes and I am feeling them as well. I am taking things day by day and hope I can keep up the good work I am doing . It does feel good to work out and then additionally see the fruits of my labor.

I am still a little chunkier than I want to be but it is a work in progress - I had hernia surgery in 2003 and I think it is affecting how I lose the weight around my midsection. I will increase my cardio on an incremental basis since yesterday was a trial and error situation . I did 15 min on the treadmill and 5 brutal min. on the step machine. Boy am I out of shape.

My eating habits will have to change since I have become very lax in that area. I have been working out since 1984 consistently until 2002 when things started to fall apart for me emotionally and physically .

I know that challenges such as these come and are meant to be a lesson learned if you survive.

It does make you a more cynical person. You have a different outlook on life when tragedy strikes.

Like I stated in my other blogs I have been blessed and I think destined for something much greater

I just was contacted by a college buddy who was very generous and helpful when I was getting ready for a show back when I was in college in addition to be a true friend. That in itself is not a coincidence. I dont believe there are any coincidences in life . Everything happens for a reason.

So this is it for now

I will continue on this road and see where it may lead.

Wish me luck

Kirk

Back in the saddle

2008-11-02T05:32:00.002-05:00

Hello all

I am writing this on a good note of course -On the last week of October I rejoined my gym and started back bodybuilding -I felt a new enthusiasm this time around -very much different from my last attempt to go back and back and back LOL -it was not working at all -last consistent workout was in January

Since then I have been doing workouts in my apartment with my exercise wheel and my incomplete set of dumbbells -not!

I hope this feeling stays -renewing motivation to get back in shape -A friend of mine is going to take some pictures of my progress when I am ready.

I do plan on getting a digital camera and maybe a new computer -I am in the process of getting my financial aid finalized so we will see what happens . I am sore from my workouts thus far and that is normal -I like the progress I am seeing. I think it is time

Until next time

Kirk

My journey continues

2008-10-19T16:57:00.001-04:00

I know that I have not posted in a while but here I go.
My recent turn of events have been without fanfare. Since July when my treatments for prostate cancer started , I have worked at VA Hospital as a patient escort to refocus on taking care of myself by caring for others and temporarily quit school-I did exercise while working because it involves walking and escorting patients by wheelchair, litter or bed plus walking up and down stairs,along with occasionally working out at home with my exercise wheel. Presently I have quit the job and went back to school to finish my degree in Information Technology-My mind is on working out but the motivation is not there-I am frustrated
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do?
I am open to any suggestion ,ideas or comments
Until next time
Kirk

Starting Back

2008-10-04T10:33:00.002-04:00

I am in preparation to retake a class that I failed last spring due to receiving news that I had prostate cancer. The class is Quality Assurance and the good thing is that I can use the books that I had bought for the class. Sometime they change editions and you have to buy new books for the same class. So I am blessed in that regard. I am recovering from my treatments and everything seems to be returning to normal

It affected the way my reproductive and urinary systems operated. I got weekly checkups to monitor my side effects. It was painful to go to the bathroom and have sex.

I am hoping things continue to improve in all areas of my life. I am getting closer to God and my spiritual state of mind . Very subtle things are happening to verify that my spirituality is being developed as we speak.

I am learning a lot about people in recovery from alcohol and substance abuse . I am surrounded by these very people.

At the Veteran's Administration Hospital where I work here in Cleveland I work with veterans going through recovery and working as patient escorts as I am . I love the job but I am not sure if I will keep it when I am in school -we will see.

I live in a beautiful apartment building on Lake Erie ,well not exactly on but it is our front yard sort of speak along with the beautiful scenery of Edgewater Park viewed from my dining room window. I have met some very nice people some of them going through recovery themselves.

My roommate is a recovering addict also. I also have a brother who is in recovery from alcohol addiction and he has been sober for many years. Total years is unknown to me.

God is in my corner and I have to have faith in him and what he is doing for me . The things that are happening presently in my life humble me and make my situation less stressful.

We are coming up to the presidential election and changes will have to be made with the new administration. Hopefully it will be Obama since he is democrat and he will be the first black president in the history of this nation.

There will be a lot of disagreement that will manifest itself through subtle means and not so subtle means. It is the nature of the game . I am prepared to challenge those thoughts and actions. I hope it is kept to a minimum . We will see.

Until next time

My spin on the recent Presidental Debate

2008-09-27T00:02:00.003-04:00

I watched the debate tonight and was very impressed with both candidates. I am still going to vote for Obama because I have always been a democrat and I think although he is young and inexperienced I believe he has integrity that is needed desparately in this nation. The issues that were discussed were pertinent to what the next president is going to face in the upcoming year.

Our nation is in a financial crisis and it looks like the taxpayer will have pay for the administration's mistakes

The war in Iraq might be successful but many lifes have been lost and families devastated by this issue

I am a veteran and understand what is required-orders are given and they have to be followed in spite of whether you agree or not We wer considered "government property" and there is a certain amount of honor , camaderie and patriotism affliated with serving your country. But based on the length of this war and the cost of it, America has suffered and it will take at least two terms to even begin to put a dent in the trillion dollar deficit that has been manufactured by the war combined with bad decisions and strategies.

No matter if Obama is inexperience and young -change needs to be made or we are going to implode as a society and a nation

John McCain is very experienced in foriegn and military issues and that was implemented strongly in his debate to tear down Obama's rhetoric.

Overall I think it was a powerful debate and they both were confident in their delivery in answering the facilatators questions

Any one care to comment on this feel free

Comtemplating

2008-09-21T13:19:00.002-04:00

I am contemplating going back to school on Oct 5 I believe and I have not got the books yet -I will get on it since this is approaching the end of the month

I am contemplating whether I will keep my job at the VA Hospital as a patient escort -it does not pay much but it has kept my mind occupied -We know all about idle minds and what they lead to.

In my case it can be detrimental to my physical , emotional and spiritual state of mind

I am wondering what to do about my situation with my dad and his knowledge of what my biological mom was like and why my blood relatives never wanted to meet me or know about any of my brothers . Truly mysterious to say the least .

I am anxious to get back to exercising like I did when I was working full time with emotionally disturbed kids . I was going to the gym at least 5days a week. now I am working out with a incomplete set of dumbbells with a exercise wheel at home. Quite a change but I know God has a plan for me and I have be patient and wait for the subtle but very vivid signs that will guide me where I need to be.

Until next time

Kirk

I am done!

2008-09-12T20:13:00.004-04:00

As of this writing I am done with my radiation treatements for my prostate cancer-it lasted a total of 45 days 5 days a week- I am so done literally - the radiation caused inside bruising as described by my oncologist within my bladder and the rest of my reproductive organs and it caused tremendous amounts of pain and pressure. Without getting to the R-rated version it was painful when using these organs to do what everyday people do on a daily basis. So it if you know what I mean then I will move on.

I did get a Certificate of Completion with all my doctors' names of it . Quite a interesting event for me. I am still in the process of returning to my online courses to complete my Master's in Information Technology.

I have to get another loan from the goverment since my former loan company is now defunct. So I am in the middle of completing another one. I am also working at the VA Hospital here in Cleveland Ohio as a patient escort. It is filling a void right now since I temporarily stopped taking classes. So the question remains if I can do both ,although the job does not pay much it occupies my mind in the best way. I am wondering if I will be able to do both (the job and my online courses) Time will tell.

And of course I still am thinking about the other projects that were put on hold since my diagnosis ( finding my biological mother and finding a specific suicide survivor group in my area to talk about my issues regarding the death of a close friend from sucide in 2003 and also beginning to grieve the death of my mom in 2005.

I believe God is going to guide in the right direction at the right time. I must remember and review the Serenity Prayer which is posted in my apartment for just that purpose.

My workouts will be included so that now I can work on the outside of my body as well as the inside Time will tell.

I congratulate myself for my recent accomplishment and will have to keep my past ones in mind to enrich my self esteem.

With that said
I remain until next time

Kirk

My update of my cancer treatments

2008-09-01T08:46:00.000-04:00

Hello all
I am in my, I believe, 5th or 6th week of radiation therapy.
And boy has it been a humdinger- I have had tremendous amount of pain when I go to the bathroom (side effects from the treatments)
I am anxious for this process to end which I thought was maybe on the 5th of September but due to the machine breaking down and my temporarily ceasing the treatments because of a freaky side effect that landed me in the emergency room for a total of 5 hours. It really scared me since the pain was of a more severe nature. So I told the nurse that I would not be back until I talked to a doctor and got reassured that is was a side effect and nothing more serious. So I didn't see a doctor for two days since my oncologist was on vacation and I saw another doctor instead and it was all good when I talked with him. It was a bad case of gas I was lead to believe. I wont go into much detail about the conversation but it was enough that someone cared to address this issue since I was afraid -they never had a case such as mine with the side effect that I experienced. They seemed nonchalant and even joking about it which angered me -just a matter of principle and not showing the professionalism that was expected out of the nurses that shrugged it off. So it is all good now in spite of the extra week that was added to my finished treatments -the pain has subsided some except when I have sex that is still painful Yikes -In reality I am humbled and blessed by god since I know there are many more serious cases of cancer world wide and I see and hear and talk to veterans who are in life threatening experiences with their health - I now work at a VA Hospital here in Cleveland Ohio and it is a lesson in itself and tremendously saddening to hear their stories of how they ended up in the VA Hospital.
That is my update
Until next time and feel free to comment or suggest here or thru my email kftrainer@gmail.com

Reflection of the last month Part II

2008-08-02T22:11:00.000-04:00

I am continuing to tell my story that I was starting earlier about my past month activities

I am allowing my father to re-enter my life and I am tremendously cautious from past events that warranted my cautiousness. I will not go into details because it is very complex and somewhat convoluted. So I will leave it at that. I did get a call from him today regarding my letter that I wrote to him three weeks ago -He commented on my directness in telling how I felt about him and catching him up on my life as it happened 10 years ago up to the present. It is outlined in my prior posts which I will probably sent to him later. He gave me his new address where he is moving to and when I can contact him. I dont how I should feel about this but I will just let things play out and not worry. I am glad he called to let me know about his feelings concerning my letter. I wanted to hear this from him. But time will tell and I will know how he really feels then.

On a lighter note I went to an open air market here in Cleveland Ohio with some friends and spent some time browsing through and buying fruits and snacks and eating bratwurst sandwiches. Then went to a dinner with my significant other with another friend of ours for his birthday. I am truly blessed as I think about all the positive people in my life and how well I am supported on all levels through my journey to get a peace of mind. I am going to make it with their help.

Until next time

Kirk

Reflections of the past month

2008-08-02T11:03:00.000-04:00

I am sorry I have not updated since the 22th of July, boy time does fly and not always when you are having fun. I am kidding somewhat. Every experience teaches you something to reflect on at a later date and help connect the dots.

I have just had a month anniversary for my radiation treatments for prostate cancer- I am feeling ok but having side effects from the radiation that affects my ability to effectively go to the bathroom. I talked about the side effects with my doctor and he reassured me that it was normal and after the treatments it will subside. Boy Sept 5th hurry up Yikes . It is painful and he has dosed me with pills and fiber to help with those issues. I do get reminded how severe my disease can be if not treated properly. So I am not minimizing my situation but not blowing it out of proportion . I like to keep things in life at a balance-Good luck with that huh!

I also have started a job at the VA Hospital where I am recieving treatment -it works out great for me since I am work from 8 to 4 and then at 5pm I go to the my treatment for another 15 mins and I am done for the day - I have to tell you that I am excited about working but need to be readjusted to working with people after 4 years of being unemployed.

The job is not a high paying one and it seems to be a haven for veterans that are going through recovery from alcoholism and drug user. I am in recovery from grieving loved ones that passed on and now struggling with the feelings having this cancer and it impact on my state of mind which is still in healing phase.

I am going to close temporarily to go on a needed walk to clear my head -My roommate suggested it and I am reluctantly going to go since it will be good for my recovery Right!

Until later on today

My story will continue -Believe me I have a lot to say since my last entry .

Kirk

Facebook Prank: Why I Suddenly Started Attracting Gay Men

2008-08-02T11:02:00.001-04:00

Always secure your facebook password...This is both interesting and hilarious Read it

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More drama in my life

2008-07-23T01:25:00.000-04:00

I am anxious about several things lately -lets start with the continuing saga with my radiation therapy-I am getting side effects from the treatments consisting of painful and stinging urination -it was expected ,but I did not think it would be a severe issue. I was told by the techs in radiology to drink plenty of water and cranberry juice. I did start that today and I think it is helping. I have until Sept 5 and I cannot wait for the last day. In spite of everything I have a great support system from family and friends. The trip on public transportation helps with my anxiety and fear of the unknown. It is a 40 minute ride on a bus and then a train to the VA Hospital.

"What ifs" fill my head as well as "I shoulds"-terms I should stay away from. I have added some more food to my overloaded plate. Another self-induced challenge. My dad has connected to me via another brother who lives in a suburb of Cleveland. He wants to reinitiate a reunion that would be the worst thing I can agree to since the last "reunion" was a disaster. That would be part of another lengthy blog.

Anyhow I did write him after we talked on the phone for maybe a total of 20 minutes and he gave me his address to write him. For some strange reason it took awhile for that to click in that he wanted me to write him first. I was thinking way ahead to the physical communication we would have and what I would say to him. Instead I wrote basically what i would say in person to him.As I told a friend of mine it was respectful but harsh. So I am anxious to get a reply and unfortunately I will have to reread his letter to try to decipher what he means since he has a knack for mixing words to confuse the reader. I am aware of that and I will analyze. This is idiotic to even think of from a moral standpoint. This is another chapter in my life and I know this is going to release me from so much anxiety it is unfathomable.
I am truly blessed to not be bitter and angry about how my life was growing up -I could write a small novel -Maybe one day

Until next time
Kirk

Some good news

2008-07-15T08:03:00.000-04:00

I just found that I got my financial aid reinstated from the appeal I made earlier this month regarding the pursuit of a Master's in Information Technology @ CapellaUniversity. Needless to say I was happy ,although I will be on probation for the next quarter which will probably be in the fall if I feel up to it.

Based on my prior posts I am getting treatment for prostate cancer and due to the impact of that diagnosis on my state of mind, my college studies were severely affected to the point of falling below my requirements to receive financial aid . Graduate students have to maintain a 3.o to recieve financial aid and it was going well up until March of this year when I got my diagnosis. I badly need to have some something going on in my life and going back to college was a great idea. I started in Dec 2006 and it was difficult at first and I failed my first class and that started that process.

My grades stayed above that 3.0 until recently . I failed two classes in the winter and spring quarter so I did take off to concentrate on my health full time and then I got that email from financial aid which I know was coming,since I knew the rule and regulations regarding financial aid for graduate students. I was mentally prepared to fight it since I know it could not be helped although I did try to complete them without concentrating on my disease. But it did not work. So I am stepping back and taking care of my mental and physical state of mind and will probably start back on my college journey in either the fall or the winter quarter.

Time will tell right?

Until next time

Kirk

Health and Fitness update

2008-07-13T21:21:00.000-04:00

On the second week of my treatment for cancer I have many things that I have to contemplate -and that is just what I have been aware for five years -the new piece to the puzzle of my life is my dad reappearing in my life. It was of my own choosing but I founf out I am not as ready to face this new challenge as I though I would be. It put me in a great state of anxiety which I would rather not have. But everything happens for a reason and I guess I will find out as soon as I write this letter that he suggests I write to sort of "break the ice" with him. It has been 10 years at the least since I last talked to him. That means I have to fill him in on what has been happening in our family for the time is what not present in it.

Ok enough about that my health and fitness is taking its baby steps I am still working out in my apt. with calisthenics and my db's -I will try to do it more than once a week the issue is where do I get the motivation. I know it has to come from deep down inside -I am all tapped out -Hopefully things will change with the help and support that I am recieving from my friends and family.

Until next time

Ciao

Kirk

Day in the Life

2008-07-09T08:18:00.000-04:00

On Monday July 7, I start my radiology treatments for my prostate cancer at VA Hospital at 5:30 pm and will be going as an outpatient for ,I believe, 15 min every week day until Sept. 5th -I did not anticipate how lengthy it will be. Granted I did sign up for this type of treatment, although I had many options ,none which satisfied me. My prognosis is great since as stated in earlier posts it was caught early and it is a treatable cancer. That word "cancer" has such a horrendous impact on the individual that it has or will affect, whether it is of a short or long term nature . I am faced with yet another challenge after the death of my partner in 2003 and of my mom from kidney failure due to complications from her dementia. And I am dealing with it as best as I can.Things are constantly put into perspective when I go to the VA and see and hear the tragedy of war from the veterans that are physically and mentally scarred by former and currents wars. Truly mind boggling.

Anyway I am in a quandary as what to do now since I have temporarily stopped going to school to focus on my new challenge and refocus on other issues that need to be addressed. When it happens I will update my blog with the new details of my journey

Wish me luck.

Kirk

Another Chapter Starts

2008-07-07T00:09:00.000-04:00

On Monday July 7, I start my radiology treatments for my prostate cancer at VA Hospital at 5:30 pm and will be going as an outpatient for ,I believe, 15 min every week day until Sept. 5th -I did not anticipate how lengthy it will be. Granted I did sign up for this type of treatment, although I had many options ,none which satisfied me. My prognosis is great since as stated in earlier posts it was caught early and it is a treatable cancer. That word "cancer" has such a horrendous impact on the individual that it has or will affect, whether it is of a short or long term nauture. I am faced with yet another challenge after the death of my partner in 2003 and of my mom from kidney failure due to complications from her dementia. And I am dealing with it as best as I can.Things are constantly put into perspective when I go to the VA and see and hear the tragedy of war from the veterans that are physically and mentally scarred by formaer and currents wars. Truly mind boggling.

Anyway I am in a quandary as what to do now since I have temporarily stopped going to school to focus on my new challenge and refocus on other issues that need to be addressed. When it happens I will update my blog with the new details of my journey

Wish me luck.

Kirk

Making hard Life decisions

2008-06-18T10:04:00.000-04:00

Hello all,

I am back with some news. that involves my current train of thought. I have decided to temporarily quit school due to the diagnosis of prostate cancer that I received on March 17. It was just too much to carry. It is best since it was affecting my concentration needed for my studies. I can always start back after I get through with the upcoming treatments-I am looking towards getting this overwith so I can get back to school this fall. I have to contact the school to let them know that I am taking a break. In the meantime I will concentrate on other priorities in my life such as finding more about my biological mom, through the adoption network here in Cleveland, work on maybe getting employment (part-time) at the VA hospital to help with that void from taking a break from school, continuing to go to therapy at the VA hospital to work on myself physically, emotionally and spirtually. I am working out a little within my apt confines. I am lucky that I have a bench and a set of dumbbells in my possession just by accident they were left by former or current tenants that cannot use them or they moved out and could not take it with them. I just found out someone left a Weider multi-function exercise machine that I will use. Motivation should not be a problem since I have this available but it is easier said then done. Believe you don't want to be in my head. You have to experience what I am experiencing and what I have experienced to understand -Directed towards those that have not had the same experience,looking from the outside in. Something to ponder on.

I thank God everyday for my blessings -I am struggling but I have a great support system with family and friends-I am in a good spot to work on my issues that I mentioned in my blogs. I am not taken these things for granted. I am blessed and very appreciative.

Until next time.

Kirk

Dazed and confused

2008-06-08T10:56:00.000-04:00

I know that this title rings of the song by Led Zeppelin but this is how I feel today and for the last week.

Here is my problem -based on my inner feelings I am in the midst of a mini crisis or challenge -whether I want to look at it as the glass half full or half empty. I am down because of many things happening all at once.

On the 28th of May I went to get prepared for upcoming radiation treatments. I was running late that day to get there on time and found out instead of being 20 minutes late , I was actually 1 hour and 20 minutes late -so they hurried me in and instructed me step by step of what is going to take place and the role I would play in this harrowing scenario. I was put in a CAT scanner to take measurements to determine where the laser will concentrate in relation to where the tumor is located within my prostate gland. I was confident that they knew what they were doing along with the humorous antics they put on for me to alleviate the anxiety of the situation.

I did appreciate that they took me in spite of being late. So I went with the flow and tried to make light of my situation. During the procedure they measured and marked the spots with tattoos that let me know that I never want one since it did hurt. I remember I almost got one or two when I was in the Marines -One of those Devil Dog tattoos that signifies the macho and hard edged persona the Marine.

After that they said that I will be contacted in about 4 weeks to start my treatments -going to the VA Hospital here in Cleveland for an approximate time of 9 weeks ,five days a week to get rid of the small carcinoma on my gland. I am constantly reminded through research , watching the many stories of bravado of cancer survivors and just observing the many disabled veterans at the hospital -it is truly saddening but it puts everything in perspective for me . I am lucky in many ways and I need to be aware of that gift. Where this is going to lead me is the mystery. I am just going with the flow of life and trying not to be resistant to my destiny. Sometimes I don't know how I am supposed to feel.

This I do know , I am falling back in my studies and I am anxious and scared about the path I am being taken . Is it my fault or is this what God wants me to do -I am scared to answer that question but I know that I will have the answer soon. In the meantime I think I will need to take a break from school to deal with those feelings. it hurts me since I am intent on finishing but the proof is in the pudding and the pudding is get stale. LOL.

The other issues in my life comprise of finding my biological mom who is presumed dead. Dealing with the death of my fiend from suicide in 2003 and the death of my mom in 2005 from complications of her severe dementia. Alleviating the frustration and sometimes anger of my identity which I am starting to forgive my father for ,since he is a major player in this event.

I have so much on my mind and I am just need to sort things out with the help of the mental health staff at VA Hospital who I am seeing on a biweekly basis -they said that the diagnosis although not severe in the general sense (the early stages of prostate cancer) has affected and created a shock to my well being and I minimize it as always to concentrate on my priorities which at the time is my education (Pursuing a Master's in Information Technology ).

So a hard decision is in the cards for me and as time is clicking by, the inevitability of a major change is imminent.

That will be my next chapter.

Still indecisive.

Kirk

In memoriam of life events

2008-05-23T19:33:00.000-04:00

Today I went to visit my mom's gravesite and pay my respects on this day of her birth -she will be 81 if she was still alive and although I know she is in a better place I still miss her deeplly -It is additionally hard to deal with when I am grieving the loss of her along with my best friend who committed suicide in 2003 and also dealing with my diagnosis of prostate cancer as of March 17th St.Patrick's Day. I have been told that I am dealing with it pretty good and I think I am also , but I do wonder sometime and question if I should be dealing with it differently based the severity and time span that these events which was in a five year period. I am getting the idea that these are wake up calls to be more cognizant of who I am and If I dont know then I should pursue those goals. That means emotionally ,spiritually and physically my objective is to improve upon those areas.

Unfortunately these issues are now affecting how I am looking at my life presently -it has affected my concentration on my educational goals. I am falling behind in my studies -my motivation has changed in that regard . I wont go into too much more than that.

No one knows or would volunteer to walk in my shoes , sometimes I wish I didnt either. Everyone has a slew of problems that they have to deal with and I do understand that. But I do get frustrated with how they think you should be further along than you are in your recovery.

Experience is the best teacher and I would welcome to just experience what I have been through and dont judge until you do. I am getting a little upset and this is therapeutic for me -I do wonder also if many people read my blog -it is me today in raw form since my feelings are posted in this blog.

So I will end this and wish all my potential and interested readers a happy Memorial Day and God bless our veterans -I am a proud Marine honorably discharged.

Until next time

Working out?

2008-05-19T09:13:00.001-04:00

I have been frustrated with the things that are happening in my life thus far. I just had my 47th birhday on the 14th and dont feel any older but I am aware of it due to the many health issues that have come abound. On March 17th I was diagnosed iwth prostate cancer -Prognosis looks good ,the tumor is small and on the 27th of this month I am going to get a cat scan to determine where the laser treatments with be directed at. And then 10-15 days later I will start the treatments. I have thyroid disease and I am on a lifetime medication which I dont like taking. Old hernia surgery is giving me occasional pain and discomfort which I am treating with more medication

Emotionally I am ok .lot better than 5 years ago when some tragic events happened that has changed my life forever.

My love of the instuition of heatlh and fitness and how it affects the body was always a obsession since i was a child which lead to becoming a bodybuilder. I was never a athlete in high school but became hooked into the Pencil neck vs muscleman era back in the early 70's and then it became part of my daily rountine. Starting in my friends attic with the antiquated plastic weights that you could buy at many of the departments stores during that time.

Anyhow I know that this is not quite the forum to be writing my life history but health and fitness does make up a large percentage of my history so it should fit. I will not write a book here but just know I could write a book on the many challenges that I have faced thus far to make two books . So there it is

I am going to be taking steps to get back on that road full time instead of occasionally to embrace and display that love I still have for bodybuiiding ,health and fitness.

Reflection on my Health and Fitness

2008-05-16T19:55:00.000-04:00

I just had my 47th birthday on May 14 and I am not getting the results that I hoped but I did gain some muscle size since I started weight training in my home. It involved working out on my exercise wheel and dumbbells along with doing calisthenics- I have gotten stronger and my endurance has improved. Work still needs to be done so I am going to try to accomplish some of those goals this summer. I plan on rejoining my gym to work on those goals. I need to do more cardiovascular work such as treadmill and riding the bike. I have been walking but not to the extent that it would make a significant difference in my weight . Sedentary seems to be my middle name lately.

That is going to be another challenge for me . I was presented a challenge to workout more on the equipment that has been abandoned in my basement which consists of a bench , barbell curl bar and a bowflex type machine that I did work out on a little last week by a friend of mine and I think he is going to take some current pictures of my physique which I plan on posting on the site soon. . Motivation is the biggest challenge that needs to be prioritized in my routine.

Forgive me for not updating sooner but I have been busy with my education (pursuing my Master's Online in information Technology ) and health( dealing with my new diagnosis of prostate cancer) issues.So my plate is full right now with those issues and related issues that i wont mention at this time because it will fill many pages and bore the reader.

My day of birth has come and gone-I feel no older except on those cold damp days when I feel older that I am chronologically.

On that note I will close to continue to work on those goals

Good luck Kirk

The journey to my health and fitness goals

2008-05-12T20:40:00.000-04:00

I have been out of sorts lately waiting for the ball to drop ,whatever that means to the occasional reader. I did on last week ,don't quite remember what day but I did go down and workout on a bow-flex type of exercise machine that was left by someone that did not want it anymore and was again exhilarated by those endorphins that surge throughout your body after an intense workout . I do miss it but my motivation sucks at this point- it frustrates me to the nth degree.

Bodybuilding, health and fitness is my love and I will get back on track but I know it will take time to get where I think I should be. Looking at my profile picture keeps my motivation at least active but not to the degree to keep me moving towards my goal -I use a diet software program call Diet Power that I think I mentioned in previous posts to chart my exercise and diet daily. It is more the diet than the exercise that I record on a daily basis -I know there is an error factor in what I record in reference to the calories I ingest and record in the program but I know from how I feel that it is close to what I am recording. I drink green tea every day mostly in the morning and eat oatmeal at least 5days every week. My overall diet could be improved but it is very easy to veer off course since I am not competing at this point . I know timing is a factor in what is going to take place as far as those goals I speak of.

On that note a very good friend of mine that lives in the same apt complex that I stay in has presented a challenge within to workout and improve my physique with the equipment that remains in the basement of our apt. complex and he is going to help me with taking some digital pictures of my physique to give me additional motivation to achieve those goals. I know I need to slim down my abdominal area to an acceptable level that I set for myself using the pics of my pre-contest and competition photos that I posted on some of my blogs and websites. I thank him in advance for that challenge. I told him and the rest of my unknown readers that I have many challenges that I would not rather deal with but I am always ready to take them on.

Wish me luck on my latest challenge

Until next time

Kirk

Dying for lack of insurance

2008-05-09T23:24:00.001-04:00

Take a look at this article and wonder how this can happen in the richest nation in the world -Men and women dying from cancer and just because they has no insurance to help them get the more advanced services that will increase their quality of life.
Which brings me to my update on my health status.
I went to see the oncologist on Thursday and gave him my choice of treatment which is radiation treatments which will consist of lasers that will pinpoint and kill the tumor in my prostate gland
I am going to start on May 27 to get measured for the procedure and they will perform a cat scan to determine where the lasers will concentrate on.
Then in 8-10 days after I will start the treatments which will span over a 9 week period, 5 days a week at the VA Hospital in my town . I am grateful based on this article that I am a veteran that is receiving free medical services. -without it I will be up the creek with no paddle.

Mark Windsor looks exhausted. For a week he's been undergoing radiation treatment on a cancerous tumor in his neck. A metal rod fused to his spine keeps his head stable. His muscles there are gone, the result of multiple failed surgeries to rid him of his disease. He can't turn his head sideways or look up or down. So his look stays fixed, despite his fatigue.

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Dying for lack of insurance

2008-05-09T23:23:00.001-04:00

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Research: Vitamins may increase mortality

2008-04-20T11:07:00.001-04:00

I found this article on vitamins and was perplexed about the validity of this research.
Dont get me wrong I admire and respect their experience and position -Just when are they going to achieve the "happy " medium regarding whether vitamins are good or bad for you.
I do believe that natural sources of these vitamins are better for you as far as assimilation in to your body - but what about the bodybuilders such as myself that work out intensely on a regular basis and need extra vital nutrients that the supplements will provide. Is that ever considered or did I overlook that in my research?

Taking antioxidants like vitamins A and E to prolong life may actually have the opposite effect, new research has found.

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My Update on Health and Fitness

2008-04-15T14:07:00.001-04:00

Hello all
I am feeling great this afternoon ,better than I was this morning. I did eat and workout at my place of residence -worked out on biceps and back along with doing my calisthenics (push ups, sit ups and ab roller) I am getting more muscular but I know I need to do more intensive cardio and I should do some every day -I will try to get out and walk because I live across the street from a park and the Lake Erie is almost right at my door step -so there is no excuse since it is so close that I can touch it.

My update on my cancer diagnosis
Yesterday I went to see my urologist and we discussed what my decision will be when I see the oncologist on the 24th of April. If I decide to do surgery with will involve removal of my prostate gland m and that has consequences that I don't want to even consider at this point in my life.
My choice is to get the radiation treatments via laser,which is a new but proven method of getting rid of prostate cancer -I am anticipating that it will be starting in May once I talk to the doctors about my choice.

My brother is going through a procedure that involves a valve in his heart to be replaced -it is an out patient procedure - I will pray for him and wish for his quick recovery. Lord knows we are going through some trying times but we are fighters and we will always come out on the positive side of our challenges -We just don't know it at the time -learning experiences to share with others . Part of my mission is to deliver this wisdom and experience to others
I am blessed as I always have to remind myself of.
I will keep you all updated as things change over time.

No news is good news right ?

Until next time
Kirk

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Another Wake up call

2008-04-12T09:41:00.001-04:00

I just got more bad news concerning a friend of mine who has contracted cancer -quite devastating for me since I just started to deveelop a relationship with him - I guess I am meant to take this as another opportunity to talk about my sickness which is less severre. He has a tumor on his spine which is going to take surgery and chemotherapy.. My tumor is in its early stages and very slow growing -told it will take years to grow under normal conditions (10-15yeas ) to produce symptoms.

on a ligther note I have started back to school online and I am jsut finishing my firest week
need to get my books soon -told the instructtor wating for a response. I am excited not so much for the class but for the number of people in the class. I was a class of one last quarter where I still have a paper due which gave me an incomplete grade. I am going to the VA in Brecksville to a weekly group dealing with helping veterans with everday issues. I have a slew of appointments at the Wade Park VA -which include seeing a my primary doctor , a urologist and my psychiatrist. along with my oncologist to discuss what my choice for treatment is of my canceroust tumor within my prostate gland. which is on the 24th .I am ready to get this process started no matter how miniiscule my tumor is- I cannot just take things for granted anymore. I am watching my diet and exercising more along with going to different functions outside my apt.
As I get more info on my progress I will update this blog -it serves as my journal and therapy at this point.
Until next time
Kirk

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IOC strips Jones' 2000 teammates of relay medals

2008-04-12T07:31:00.001-04:00

The IOC has stripped the medals from Marion Jones' U.S. relay teammates at the 2000 Olympics because of her doping history.

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Why are the rest of the teammates being penalized for what she did for heer body -she and she alone should be punished not her teammates

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My weekend

2008-04-06T23:57:00.000-04:00

Hello all
I am in a state of disbelief concerning my weekend ,specifically on friday and Saturday,
Friday I graduated from the program that I was a part of for the last 5 weeks which helped me with a lot of my issues with death and dying and the tragic events I went through. I got to talk to my brother who I have not heard from for at least 3 years since my mom died. I am still working on getting the gears churning again regarding finding out about my biological mom . I am dealing ok with my new diagnosis from St. Patrick's Day of Prostrate Cancer -As i mentioned it is in the early stages.
My other brother is going through a crisis of his own concerning his health and the loss of control of his immediate family. I can sympathize with him since I feel that same loss of control but I know have tools learned from therapy that I can use. I am in another frame of mind since graduating from this 4 week program. which was geared toward veterans who suffer from mental health issues. It gave me a new outlook of how I look at myself in reference to my existence and mission on this earth.
I am thankful and honored to be in this time and space to accomplish this mission that is yet to be defined.

Until next chapter
Kirk

I am in a quandary

2008-03-31T16:57:00.001-04:00

Hello all
I am in a quandary on what to do about the direction my life is taking since I got this diagnosis of prostate cancer. It is not in an aggressive stage nor is it an aggressive cancer. Based on my research of this disease it is usually caught early if the man gets the complete test including a rectal exam. My tumor as stated by the oncologist is very small and almost undetectable and it the midst of this I am still in college and had to get an extension on my final paper -I have not yet finished it based on the many emotions I am going through since St Patty Day when I was told by the urologist. Since my mind is concentrated on my mortality and how my life is changing since I got this diagnosis.my schoolwork is suffering. To date the paper is still unfinished. the instructor said I can obtain a Incomplete based on my situation. So I will need to finish the paper and turn it in if it is not too late. I need to really decide if I am going to register for another class. This diagnosis gives me a reality check on how I am living my life and how I will continue to live my life.
It is funny I feel I am now in another select group of sufferers that I would rather not be in.
but that is life and it constant changes so suck up right ? Not!
I am seeing some changes with my body image since I have been exercising in my home and walking at the Day Hospital and to and from the bus stop. The last 4 weeks have been exhilarating and exciting based on the structure of this program I did sign up for another week based on recent events and dealing with past ones -death and dying is the theme here and the repercussions from it.

I will not get so philosophical but that Is how I look at life and philosophy has always been a interest to me since college. I am so blessed that I have a solid support system from my family and friends esp recently. I need to reiterate to myself on how precious and fragile my life is and I need to take care of myself mentally and physically and try to obtain that peace of mind that we all reach for
Until next time

Kirk

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Bad news

2008-03-21T20:58:00.001-04:00

I just got devastating news on St Patrick Day -I have that dreaded "C" word of the prostate gland.

I was very shocked but they caught it early and the prognosis looks great -I am trying to get my appt. to consult with the oncologist (Cancer specialist) moved up -the original date is April 23 but I want to get this started as soon as possible. I have heard from friends and family that it is great that I did get diagnosed early since most men that get this disease are cured of it and it goes into remission.

I am lucky that I went and got the blood test and exam since I am in a quandary in reference to who my biological mom is, therefore I am in the dark about my medical history. So I decided to get a biopsy done since the doctor detected a abnormality on my prostate and said it was of no major concern since my blood test or PSA was in the good range. This determines how severe the cancer could be if it was a cancer I believe. I could be wrong. Anyhow I went and got the biopsy and within two weeks I would know the results but it got rescheduled twice and the final date was on St Patty's Day -go figure on a ethnic holiday so that I can remember and mark that in my memory bank - I am not too afraid of the disease since I tend to minimize things even tragic events. But the waiting is hell so I am probably going for the radiation treatment vs major surgery which involves removing the prostate gland all together. the tumor is small and slow growing according to my doctor who was the messenger of bad news that day. He told me that I was the 4th one that he consulted with and told them that they have prostate cancer also.

I have gotten severely depressed but it is good that I am in this program that I spoke of earlier that is in a self help and group therapy setting located at Cleveland VA Hospital -it is a out patient program for veterans who deal with mental health issues. I was recommended for the program at the beginning of the month and this is my 3rd week and I am having a blast- so much to do and learn and the group sessions are exciting but intense. -It ends officially in 4 weeks but they are connected to you for life -you graduate ,get a certificate and become an alumni of the program and are welcome to come back on designated days for alumni to join groups and get additional services if need be.
I have learned a lot in that 3 week period and going into my fourth week but my current issues of grieving my loved ones that passed on were still lingering when I got the bad news on Monday -it has been a week as of this writing and I know I am getting a wake up call to live my life as fully as I can

I am telling all men especially African Amercian Men over 40 -GET YOURSELF TESTED for prostate cancer Don't wait until you get symptoms because by then the cancer could have metastasized to other body parts. I am not a professional so don't quote me-do your own research and find out -
The macho image and behavior manifests itself into not getting the help you need and it will eventually kill you. Do your research.

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My Review for the course-

2008-03-15T12:19:00.001-04:00

In your final discussion, discuss your experience in this course. Include both qualitative and quantitative feedback as part of your review. What aspects of the course did you find most beneficial and what, if anything, would you change to improve the course?

    * Did this course meet your expectations?
    * What assignment or assignments did you find furthered your understanding of the subject matter, more then the others?
    * How would you change the course for future learners?
    * On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most difficult, how difficult did you find this course and the subject matter covered?

Grading for this discussion is as follows: You will earn full participation points for simply participating and providing honest and thorough feedback. All posts with depth will earn participation points for this discussion.

An example of a post lacking depth would be:

    "I liked the course, but it was difficult." or "I had a great time and learned a lot."

Thank you for taking the time to provide your feedback. It will be used to improve this course and create and improve other courses in the future.

I think this course was very challenging from the aspect of the content and how the instructor used it to teach me different ways to collect and document my research.
As far as from the qualitative perspective it is a very informative but the complexity is is high and it is hard to interpret since I am a newbie when it comes to understand health informations systems and how they operate in health care organizations.

I think the textbook was hard to read due to colored tables and figures -the content was interesting but hard to interpret also without futher researching. which I think it should be more easier to understand for college students in general. I had the impression that the author was wrting the text for seasoned veterans in teh health information systems field and not to novice college students.

From a quantitative perspective the amount of work for discussion and assignment purposes was great. I was able to understand most of the questions after reading the text and tying the text content with the questions that were asked. I did learn to use the databases with the Capella Library which I never used in other classes. There are challenging also to navigate and I wish the search methods were easier to understand. I am sure I will learn more as I use them for future classes.

Learning how APA citation is used more accurately is one the benefical things in this course for me due to how I found out how to cite references correctly. I did not necessarily enjoy being the sole person in the class it has its beneftis for example more direct interaction and feedback from teh instructor -although I would like to be able to get similiar and different ideas from my peers in the class which in this class was not present.

I did expect it to be a challenging course but I would have liked to be able to converse with other classmates and get feedback from them on different isssue regarding their experiences in the health information field.

On a scale of 1-10 I would rate this class a 7 in difficulaty due to the complexity of the course. and think it should be more geared to novice students to the fiedl of health information systems. I did learn a lot more from my instructor where otherwise in a class of 10 students that would not necessarily be the case.

I did enjoy learning about the coding technology and how it is deffined and used in reimbursment of health services rendered. I also enjoyed learning about how important HIM's job is in reference to operating an organization or department in the organization according to the governing organization's rules and regulations and how information technology impacts those processes

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Getting better

2008-03-09T20:50:00.001-04:00

I am presently in a self help program in VA Hospital here in Cleveland - It is helping me resolve some of my issues with grieving and accepting death and dying and how it impacts my mental state . I am learning more about myself everyday I am there. I will be there until the end of the month and I will graduate and become a part of the program alumni .

So far it is going great . I am have met some nice people in the program who have similar problems with some of my issues. I am not sure if I am going to meet someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. and I am hoping I will. It is vital that I do since that is one of my major issues next to losing my mom . The programs consists of dealing with mental ilneses on a generalized basis, HIV seminars, anger management and stress reduction classes, -the last session of the day consists of a movie or a motivating exercise to end the day. Quite interesting to say the least . I cannot reveal a lot due to confidentiality issues with the veterans and staff.- If I have not mentioned in my earlier blogs I am a honorably discharged Marine

This will be my second week starting Monday and already that anxiety is always present and wating it seems -I am now thinking if I want to go tomorrow or not . That is my subconscious thought pattern at work. My defender from the past. I am learning to tone and alleviate the anxiety that I feel before each day ends and another one begins. It is the most difficult thing that I have to do The staff and my immediate friends are helping me get pass this.

Well I will end her until the next time since I am having problems with the editor for my blog UGH
and I can feel my frustration increasing .
Ciao
Kirk

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On a cold day

2008-03-05T14:23:00.001-05:00

I am at home on this cold day in Cleveland Ohio -I had started a program to help get myself back on track emotionally -since the death of my friend in 2003 and my mom in 2005.I am satisfied with it so far and It lasts for four weeks and you graduate and receive a certificate for completion -I am getting used to it -although it is just the third day I will go tomorrow if the weather improves for the better. Schools and businesses were closed due to icy conditions.
My mode of transportation was down which was the public buses that travel around Cleveland . So I did not want to risk freezing to death waiting on shuttles that may never come - In the meantime I am surfing the net and catching up with my work for school. I am very much behind but I am carrying a B average right now but if this paper is not done soon I will get credit off -
I wanted to workout today but instead I chose to surf the net and look at my email.
HO Hum
Until next time
Kirk

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Tired

2008-02-27T23:51:00.001-05:00

I just came back from the hospital for a session with a psych doc regarding a self help group to work on my issues dealing my life and where it is going at this point in my life. I am going to give it a shot based on my gut feelings and my intent to go on with my life after tragedy.

I did work out today before I went to the hosptial and I am lttle tired as I yawn wow
I am making some progress with school, progress with my body and weight training but I should workout more times a week instead of once or twice in 7 day period - just think I used to work out at least 5-6 days out of the week -quite a change in 5 years.

School is going alright but I am a little anxious about being the only one in the class it will be tough since it is a new specailization to me and the college . I started taking classes under a general I T degree and then this new specialization Health Information Systems was created and I jumped right on it. I am a Health Education Major and Personal Trainer whcih was my Bachelor Degree and I thought this would be right up my alley and boy was I wrong. YIkes!

I am still adamant about finding my biological mom through the Adoption Network and hope that things start to fall into place. I even contacted Dr.Phil.to see if he can help me - I am just hitting the surface here based on this public setting so as I get more comfortable writing this blog then I can reveal more. It is for me more so that for the people who read it.

I will close for now
I remain.
Kirk

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Who I am

2008-02-21T00:44:00.000-05:00

Who am I ? I am a 46 year old black male living in Cleveland pursueing a Master's Degree in Information Technology with a specialization in Health Information Systems. I am a honorably discharrged Marine -onec a Marine,always a Marine. I am a amatuer bodybuilder on hiatus. Competed from 1989 on and off to 2002 where I had a slew of tragic events happen all at once . In 2003 a good friend of mine committed suicide and then in 2005 my mother passed. I am on that road to where my destiny lies -right now I am enrolled at a online college called Capella University pursuing the degree stated above. I am just taking things step by step until maybe I breathe my last breath. I am going through counseling to deal with the issues surrounding the events that I mentioned . This has allowed me to delve deep into my mind and uncover some repressed issue and events -it is my way to heal old and new wounds. I will keep this blog updated as much as I can with school and working on my search for my biological mom .
I will end there
until next time
Kirk