More drama in my life

 I am anxious about several things lately -lets start with the continuing saga with my radiation therapy-I am getting side effects from the treatments consisting of painful and stinging urination -it was expected ,but I did not think it would be a severe issue. I was told by the techs in radiology to drink plenty of water and cranberry juice. I did start that today and I think it is helping. I have until Sept 5 and I cannot wait for the last day. In spite of everything I have a great support system from family and friends. The trip on public transportation helps with my anxiety and fear of the unknown. It is a 40 minute ride on a bus and then a train to the VA Hospital. 

"What ifs" fill my head as well as "I shoulds"-terms I should stay away from. I have added some more food to my overloaded plate. Another self-induced challenge. My dad has connected to me via another brother who lives in a suburb  of Cleveland. He wants to reinitiate a reunion that would be the worst thing I can agree to since the last "reunion" was a disaster. That would be part of another lengthy blog. 

Anyhow I did write him after we talked on the phone for maybe a total of 20 minutes and he gave me his address to write him. For some strange reason it took awhile for that to click in that he wanted me to write him first. I was thinking way ahead to the physical communication we would have and what I would say to him. Instead I wrote basically what i would say in person to him.As I told a friend of mine it was respectful but harsh. So I am anxious to get a reply and unfortunately I will have to reread his letter to try to decipher what he means since he has a knack for mixing words to confuse the reader. I am aware of that and I will analyze. This is idiotic to even think of from a moral standpoint. This is another chapter in my life and I know this is going to release me from so much anxiety it is unfathomable. 
I am truly blessed to not be bitter and angry about how my life was growing up -I could write a small novel -Maybe one day

Until next time
Kirk

Some good news

I just found that I got my financial aid reinstated from the appeal I made earlier this month regarding the pursuit of a Master's in Information Technology @ CapellaUniversity. Needless to say I was happy ,although I will be on probation for the next quarter which will probably be in the fall if I feel up to it.

Based on my prior posts I am getting treatment for prostate cancer and due to the impact of that diagnosis on my state of mind, my college studies were severely affected to the point of falling below my requirements to receive financial aid . Graduate students have to maintain a 3.o to recieve financial aid and it was going well up until March of this year when I got my diagnosis. I badly need to have some something going on  in my life and going back to college was a great idea. I started in Dec 2006 and it was difficult at first and I failed my first class and that started that process.

My grades stayed above that 3.0 until recently . I failed two classes in the winter and spring quarter so I did take off to concentrate on my health full time and then I got that email from financial aid which I know was coming,since I knew the rule and regulations regarding financial aid for graduate students. I was mentally prepared to fight it since I know it could not be helped although I did try to complete them without concentrating on my disease. But it did not work. So I am stepping back and taking care of my mental and physical state of mind and will probably start back on my college journey in either the fall or the winter quarter.

Time will tell right?

Until next time

Kirk

Health and Fitness update

On the second week of my treatment for cancer I have many things that I have to contemplate -and that is just what I have been aware for five years -the new piece to the puzzle of my life is my dad reappearing in my life. It was of my own choosing but I founf out I am not as ready to face this new challenge as I though I would be. It put me in a great state of anxiety which I would rather not have. But everything happens for a reason and I guess I will find out as soon as I write this letter that he suggests I write to sort of "break the ice" with him. It has been 10 years at the least since I last talked to him. That means I have to fill him in on what has been happening in our family for the time is what not present in it.

Ok enough about that my health and fitness is taking its baby steps I am still working out in my apt. with calisthenics and my db's -I will try to do it more than once a week the issue is where do I get the motivation. I know it has to come from deep down inside -I am all tapped out -Hopefully things will change with the help and support that I am recieving from my friends and family.  

Until next time 

Ciao

Kirk

Day in the Life

On Monday July 7, I start my radiology treatments for my prostate cancer at VA Hospital at 5:30 pm and will be going as an outpatient for ,I believe, 15 min every week day until Sept. 5th -I did not anticipate how lengthy it will be. Granted I did sign up for this type of treatment, although I had many options ,none which satisfied me. My prognosis is great since as stated in earlier posts it was caught early and it is a treatable cancer. That word "cancer" has such a horrendous impact on the individual that it has or will affect, whether it is of a short or long term nature . I am faced with yet another challenge after the death of my partner in 2003 and of my mom from kidney failure due to complications from her dementia. And I am dealing with it as best as I can.Things are constantly put into perspective when I go to the VA and see and hear the tragedy of war from the veterans that are physically and mentally scarred by former  and currents wars. Truly mind boggling. 



Anyway I am in a quandary as what to do now since I have temporarily stopped going to school to focus on my new challenge and refocus on other issues that need to be addressed. When it happens I will update my blog with the new details of my journey 

Wish me luck.

Kirk

Another Chapter Starts

On Monday July 7, I start my radiology treatments for my prostate cancer at VA Hospital at 5:30 pm and will be going as an outpatient for ,I believe, 15 min every week day until Sept. 5th -I did not anticipate how lengthy it will be. Granted I did sign up for this type of treatment, although I had many options ,none which satisfied me. My prognosis is great since as stated in earlier posts it was caught early and it is a treatable cancer. That word "cancer" has such a horrendous impact on the individual that it has or will affect, whether it is of a short or long term nauture. I am faced with yet another challenge after the death of my partner in 2003 and of my mom from kidney failure due to complications from her dementia. And I am dealing with it as best as I can.Things are constantly put into perspective when I go to the VA and see and hear the tragedy of war from the veterans that are physically and mentally scarred by formaer and currents wars. Truly mind boggling. 

Anyway I am in a quandary as what to do now since I have temporarily stopped going to school to focus on my new challenge and refocus on other issues that need to be addressed. When it happens I will update my blog with the new details of my journey

Wish me luck.

Kirk

Making hard Life decisions

Hello all,

I am back with some news. that involves my current train of thought. I have decided to temporarily quit school due to the diagnosis of prostate cancer that I received on March 17. It was just too much to carry. It is best since it was affecting my concentration needed for my studies. I can always start back after I get through with the upcoming treatments-I am looking towards getting this overwith so I can get back to school this fall. I have to contact the school to let them know that I am taking a break.  In the meantime I will concentrate on other priorities in my life such as finding more about my biological mom, through the adoption network here in Cleveland, work on maybe getting employment (part-time) at the VA hospital to help with that void from taking a break from school, continuing to go to therapy at the VA hospital to work on myself physically, emotionally and spirtually. I am working out a little within my apt confines. I am lucky that I have a bench and a set of dumbbells in my possession just by accident they were left by former or current tenants that cannot use them or they moved out and could not take it with them. I just found out someone left a Weider multi-function exercise machine that I will use. Motivation should not be a problem since I have this available but it is easier said then done. Believe you don't want to be in my head. You have to experience what  I am experiencing and what I have experienced to understand -Directed towards those that have not had the same experience,looking from the outside in. Something to ponder on. 

I thank God everyday for my blessings -I am struggling but I have a great support system with family and friends-I am in a good spot to work on my issues that I mentioned in my blogs. I am not taken these things for granted. I am blessed and very appreciative. 

Until next time.

Kirk

Dazed and confused

I know that this title rings of the song by Led Zeppelin but this is how I feel today and for the last week. 

Here is my problem -based on my inner feelings I am in the midst of a mini crisis or challenge -whether I want to look at it as the glass half full or half empty. I am down because of many things happening all at once.

On the 28th of May I went to get prepared for upcoming radiation treatments.  I was running late that day to get there on time and found out instead of being 20 minutes late , I was actually 1 hour and 20 minutes late -so they hurried me in and instructed me step by step of what is going to take place and the role I would play in this harrowing scenario. I was put in a CAT scanner to take measurements to determine where the laser will concentrate in relation to where the tumor is located within my prostate gland. I was confident that they knew what they were doing along with the humorous antics they put on for me to alleviate the anxiety of the situation. 

I did appreciate that they took me in spite of being late. So I went with the flow and tried to make light of my situation. During the procedure they measured and marked the spots with tattoos that let me know that I never want one since it did hurt. I remember I almost got one or two when I was in the Marines -One of those Devil Dog tattoos that signifies the macho and hard edged persona the Marine. 

After that they said that I will be contacted in about 4 weeks to start my treatments -going to the VA Hospital here in Cleveland for an approximate time of 9 weeks ,five days a week to get rid of the small carcinoma on my gland. I am constantly reminded through research , watching the many stories of bravado of cancer survivors and just observing the many disabled veterans at the hospital -it is truly saddening but it puts everything in perspective for me . I am lucky in many ways and I need to be aware of that gift. Where this  is  going to lead me is the mystery. I am just going with the flow of life and trying not to be resistant to my destiny. Sometimes I don't know how I am supposed to feel. 

This I do know , I am falling back in my studies and I am anxious and scared about the path I am being taken . Is it my fault or is this what God wants me to do -I am scared to answer that question but I know that I will have the answer soon. In the meantime I think I will need to take a break from school to deal with those feelings. it hurts me since I am intent on finishing but the proof is in the pudding and the pudding is get stale. LOL.

The other issues in my life comprise of finding my biological mom who is presumed dead.  Dealing with the death of my fiend from suicide in 2003  and the death  of my mom in 2005 from complications of her severe dementia. Alleviating the frustration and sometimes anger of my identity which I am starting to forgive my father for ,since he is a major player in this event. 

I have so much on my mind and I am just need to sort things out with the help of the mental health staff at VA Hospital who I am seeing on a biweekly basis -they said that the diagnosis although not severe in the general sense (the early stages of prostate cancer) has affected and created a shock to my well being and I minimize it as always to concentrate on my priorities which at the time is my education (Pursuing a Master's in Information Technology ).

So a hard decision is in the cards for me and as time is clicking by,  the inevitability of a major change is imminent. 

That will be my next chapter. 

Still indecisive. 

Kirk