Sunday, June 8, 2008

Dazed and confused

I know that this title rings of the song by Led Zeppelin but this is how I feel today and for the last week. 

Here is my problem -based on my inner feelings I am in the midst of a mini crisis or challenge -whether I want to look at it as the glass half full or half empty. I am down because of many things happening all at once.

On the 28th of May I went to get prepared for upcoming radiation treatments.  I was running late that day to get there on time and found out instead of being 20 minutes late , I was actually 1 hour and 20 minutes late -so they hurried me in and instructed me step by step of what is going to take place and the role I would play in this harrowing scenario. I was put in a CAT scanner to take measurements to determine where the laser will concentrate in relation to where the tumor is located within my prostate gland. I was confident that they knew what they were doing along with the humorous antics they put on for me to alleviate the anxiety of the situation. 

I did appreciate that they took me in spite of being late. So I went with the flow and tried to make light of my situation. During the procedure they measured and marked the spots with tattoos that let me know that I never want one since it did hurt. I remember I almost got one or two when I was in the Marines -One of those Devil Dog tattoos that signifies the macho and hard edged persona the Marine. 

After that they said that I will be contacted in about 4 weeks to start my treatments -going to the VA Hospital here in Cleveland for an approximate time of 9 weeks ,five days a week to get rid of the small carcinoma on my gland. I am constantly reminded through research , watching the many stories of bravado of cancer survivors and just observing the many disabled veterans at the hospital -it is truly saddening but it puts everything in perspective for me . I am lucky in many ways and I need to be aware of that gift. Where this  is  going to lead me is the mystery. I am just going with the flow of life and trying not to be resistant to my destiny. Sometimes I don't know how I am supposed to feel. 

This I do know , I am falling back in my studies and I am anxious and scared about the path I am being taken . Is it my fault or is this what God wants me to do -I am scared to answer that question but I know that I will have the answer soon. In the meantime I think I will need to take a break from school to deal with those feelings. it hurts me since I am intent on finishing but the proof is in the pudding and the pudding is get stale. LOL.

The other issues in my life comprise of finding my biological mom who is presumed dead.  Dealing with the death of my fiend from suicide in 2003  and the death  of my mom in 2005 from complications of her severe dementia. Alleviating the frustration and sometimes anger of my identity which I am starting to forgive my father for ,since he is a major player in this event. 

I have so much on my mind and I am just need to sort things out with the help of the mental health staff at VA Hospital who I am seeing on a biweekly basis -they said that the diagnosis although not severe in the general sense (the early stages of prostate cancer) has affected and created a shock to my well being and I minimize it as always to concentrate on my priorities which at the time is my education (Pursuing a Master's in Information Technology ).

So a hard decision is in the cards for me and as time is clicking by,  the inevitability of a major change is imminent. 

That will be my next chapter. 

Still indecisive. 


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