Saturday, May 30, 2009

Another wake up call Part 2

I know my last blog concentrated on the accident itself and it now amazes me on how many personal injury lawyers contacted me by mail none by cell phone yet. Thank god I am alive to experience this. I am grateful and again humbled-still trying to find out what it (life ) all means . I do know that I will learn what those answers to my lingering questions are soon enough.
I am looking to get more correspondence as time goes on.

In the meantime I am enjoying and somewhat embracing the current experiences no matter how miniscule they are. It is funny how that seems to make sense at some point-that teaching and learning moment . And you go "oh that is what that means" Patience and humility are qualities of mine that are constantly being challenged along with my levels of anxiety .

I am going to see my therapist on the 4th to discuss my new experience and how it impacts my psyche. I am eager to speak on this since it has again lit that bulb in my head. Maybe telling me to be alert but not neurotic about future challenges yet to come.

I have come a long way since 2003 when my world fell apart Lots of insight and working on my physical , emotional and spiritual state. My experiences are similar with someone who has experienced exactly the same thing and maybe at the same time,but the reaction to these life experiences are much different which is where therapy has given me hope that things will get better.
I am still working on how I am going to approach my identity situation since my mom died and I have yet to grieve her death although I knew when I placed in the nursing home it was her final resting place. And my father has the answers to a lot of my questions regarding what I have questions about .
I have come to the conclusion that it may never take place since he is close to 90 and approaching the end of his life.

My physical health is avg. but better. I am working out at home with dumbbells and my ab wheel along with doing calisthenics . It helps although I need to be more consistent,which is my biggest challenge. I think it has to do with the unfinished business I have concerning my identity.
I have seem some changes from my inconsistent workouts but not as fast as I want to materialize More definition but still have weight issues - patience is my friend ,ally and best supporter.

Until next time
Kirk



Saturday, May 23, 2009

Another wake up call

Hello all in cyberspace.

Here is another event that again changed my life , the day is Tues. the 19th of May that I speak of . I was excited about getting a new office chair and nothing really gave me any indication that my day would create another milestone on my journey thru life.

My old chair was great but very old and starting to wear to where I was seeing metal thorough the once-scotchgarded fabric. Of course the day was beautiful in the 70's I believe. Perfect day. I went to a warehouse that sold thousands of office chairs at prices that ranged from 30.00 to 700.00. I never thought a chair would be worth 700.00 but this is America right .

So after I bought the chair, it was loaded in the back seat of my friends car which was a 4-door sedan. I sat in the back seat with my new chair, eager to test it out at home. Then I guess about 5 minutes into the journey back home we were hit broadside by a vehicle. I do remember my driver swerving to avoid something and it hit us and shook the car with a horrific jolt. I was not knocked out but was in shock since it happened so fast and as I became aware of what happened my jaw started to hurt from the chair which hit me in the jaw as I later found out.

And the chair did sustain some damage. The impact broke one of the arm rests and bent the lower part of the other arm. To make a long story short . 911 was called by myself and checked on both of my passengers who were ok although we have lasting bruises that are irritating which is great since it could have been a lot worse based on the condition of the car after the accident.

I cannot comment on the conditions of the passengers although two of us went to the hospital to be treated and released later that day. Just to say that we are lucky the injuries were not more severe. I have jaw pain which involves taking a pain pill every 6 hours. This happens as Memorial Day Weekend is upon us.

Another blessing as I reflect upon this event. The message is there to enjoy the life you have whether it is not going as you think it should.

Until next time
Kirk

Monday, May 18, 2009

My Journey continues

I can honestly say I am on the road to recovery-I am feeling so much better after the tragic events that took place 4-5 years ago . It is a memory but not painful. Anniversaries are hard but they happened and remain with me for a reason. This I believe is to learn life's lessons and become a stronger person physically ,emotionally and spiritually My spirituality is something so abstract as well as my emotions. But emotions create certain reactions both conscious and unconscious. I have learned thru therapy to control how I react to certain things that trigger strong emotions like losing loved ones, being uncertain about my identity and my future. It is scary and challenging to my psyche. Spirituality seems to be such an intangible entity but I know I have obtained all the tools from therapy to enhance my thinking about what that means and how it will affect my life from here on in.

I debate with myself with regard to what I did and where I was in my "former life" I was a working and law abiding man who was somewhat content with his life at that time. I had a car that I was barely able to afford and I was living with a person who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder-in laymen's terms he was clinically depressed. I dealt with the challenges that my choices created . I am that type of person that will take on a challenge that is handed to me, but will never impose that upon myself . Who will wantonly do that? Who will self-impose that kind of torture. Is it sadistic ? Is it neurotic. That is the mystery of how the human mind works.

It is fascinating to discover those things about myself and embrace them. I have had a lot of time on my hands since I am in school and not employed. My health is ok and as I get older (my birthday was May 14sedentary-My) I realize what my parents used to tell me about getting older
I am trying to get back in decent shape since I have became more sedentary-My motivation needs a tune up and it has to come from the inside. I can get all the outside positive reinforcement from my family and friends but I have to convince myself that it is the best thing to do. That darn anxiety that affects us all in one way or another seems to be my crutch along with my stubbornness that kills my motivation to almost zero.

Needless to say it is my biggest challenge to date. Most people that I tell this story to are either inspired or saddened or both . This is the walk I walk and I am talking about the experiences that have formed who I am as a human being.
My journey is not finished as we all will come to realize. I may be further along than some people in my age group but I had a lot of time to work on it.

Until next time
Kirk

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Reflection

Hey all my readers I am 48 as of this date my birth what a year I had. Interesting to say the least.

I had the" C "word scare cancer of the prostrate, was diagnosed on March 17 I. St patty's day
I had the biggest shock of my life when I was told this life change . It took awhile for it to sink in after he told me. I tend to minimize things for the sake of my state of mind. I have learned to repress my emotions for a better time to express them. Yeah that is smart.

Listen I am so very blessed to have the life I have now.
I am in a great relationship with my family and my friends. They have been there for me when I needed them. If you have read some of my blogs I have had a few rocky years but survived with some scars but no devastating wounds. I feel I am a stronger person because of this.
My health status is better but not where I want it to be. I am getting back on that fitness bandwagon slowly but surely. Lost some weight by observation and the way I feel body wise
The scales says something different even if I subtract 5 lbs for clothes. 172 lb. at 5'4 is over weight based on my BMI measurement. I am more muscular from doing home exercises(calisthenics) and using the Ab wheel. I am going to up the intensity by trying to do something everyday. I want to go back to my gym but it is a financial problem since I am an unemployed Master's Student. I do receive a refund check every three months based on when I take the class. Anyhow I am on the comeback trail Root for me and I will be feeling the vibes through Cyberspace.
I am becoming a twitter addict. At first I did not care for it now I am watching the feeds constantly it is very addictive as well as Face book. I dont access Face book that much since my tweets end up in my newsfeed on Face book. I am not sure I like this but I have to watch my banter and words since it is transferred over to my Face book account.

I have become a writer of my life accounts and how they tie in into one's life. I have been given the opportunity to write for an online ezine called MobileLIfeToday www.mobilelifetoday.com
One article concentrated on my Prostate Cancer scare and how I dealt with that and then I became passionate about men focusing on getting tested since I dodged a bullet — they caught it in its early stages. And if it was not for the rectal exam and the blood test I would be still carrying this silent killer which strikes men over 40 and it is concentrated in the African American culture. It is a slow growing cancer and usually it is asymptomatic until one is in his 60 or 70's and some research shows that it then becomes symptomatic , unfortunately it may have spread to other organs. This is motivation for writing the article.
I know I am being protected by guardian angels and guided in the right direction that will enhance my quantity of life for years to come.
I will be embarking on job searches and career preparation in the coming months since my anticipated date of graduation is December of this year. Wish me luck on this journey.

Until next time
Kirk

Saturday, May 2, 2009

My Quiet Respite

Hello all I am sorry I have not written on my blog for awhile-Life sort of gets in the way of that.
I am still in school finishing up my classes for a Master's in Information Technology. I am still amazed on how I am progressing in many areas of my life. Months come and go as well as those anniversaries that were significant in my recovery,for example my mom and best friend 's passing which was very hard on my mind ,body and spirit.

My prostate cancer event was the most current challenge I had to face and due to my ability to minimize the shock of having cancer it sparked an aggressive or more assertive quality that I did not know I had. To make a long story short I was diagnosed March 17,2008, started radiation treatments in July and finished my treatments in September-A total of 54 days every weekday. So at this time it is a little over a year since my diagnosis. I have been going to most of my scheduled appts. for other health issues that I have and focus on my life going forward. This is my period of quiet respite-brand new year with a whole new set of challenges

Until next time
Kirk

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