Monday, May 18, 2009

My Journey continues

I can honestly say I am on the road to recovery-I am feeling so much better after the tragic events that took place 4-5 years ago . It is a memory but not painful. Anniversaries are hard but they happened and remain with me for a reason. This I believe is to learn life's lessons and become a stronger person physically ,emotionally and spiritually My spirituality is something so abstract as well as my emotions. But emotions create certain reactions both conscious and unconscious. I have learned thru therapy to control how I react to certain things that trigger strong emotions like losing loved ones, being uncertain about my identity and my future. It is scary and challenging to my psyche. Spirituality seems to be such an intangible entity but I know I have obtained all the tools from therapy to enhance my thinking about what that means and how it will affect my life from here on in.

I debate with myself with regard to what I did and where I was in my "former life" I was a working and law abiding man who was somewhat content with his life at that time. I had a car that I was barely able to afford and I was living with a person who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder-in laymen's terms he was clinically depressed. I dealt with the challenges that my choices created . I am that type of person that will take on a challenge that is handed to me, but will never impose that upon myself . Who will wantonly do that? Who will self-impose that kind of torture. Is it sadistic ? Is it neurotic. That is the mystery of how the human mind works.

It is fascinating to discover those things about myself and embrace them. I have had a lot of time on my hands since I am in school and not employed. My health is ok and as I get older (my birthday was May 14sedentary-My) I realize what my parents used to tell me about getting older
I am trying to get back in decent shape since I have became more sedentary-My motivation needs a tune up and it has to come from the inside. I can get all the outside positive reinforcement from my family and friends but I have to convince myself that it is the best thing to do. That darn anxiety that affects us all in one way or another seems to be my crutch along with my stubbornness that kills my motivation to almost zero.

Needless to say it is my biggest challenge to date. Most people that I tell this story to are either inspired or saddened or both . This is the walk I walk and I am talking about the experiences that have formed who I am as a human being.
My journey is not finished as we all will come to realize. I may be further along than some people in my age group but I had a lot of time to work on it.

Until next time
Kirk

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